1. Call him at work using a blocked phone number. Tell him someone he loves is dead. He won’t know what hit him.
2. Replace all his pants with smaller sizes. He’ll think he’s gained weight and go extra hard at the gym. Nothing says romance like sweat and body dysmorphia.
3. Kidnap his dog. Arrange a ransom exchange. When he shows up with the diamond, jump out of the bushes screaming, “Yes! Of course I’ll marry you.” Prepare to experience a new level of passion.
4. Tell his dearest family and friends that he is addicted to prescription pain medicine and invite them to participate in an intervention. He’ll be so touched by the family gathering that he’ll want to buy you an extra special gift.
5. On your next vacation, plant drugs in his roller bag and watch the TSA find them. That look of shock when he is put in handcuffs will electrify the bedroom for months.
6. Move every piece of furniture in his house to the left by exactly three inches. It will drive him to the ends of sanity. Welcome to orgasm town: Population, you.
7. Cook his favorite meal. Then stuff his least favorite meal inside of it. Like our grandmothers said, the way to a man’s soul is through his gag reflex.
8. For no less than three days speak only in quotes from Chandler Bing of Friends. Can he be any hornier?
9. Instead of revealing your severe dairy allergy, capitulate to his incessant urging and try his milkshake. When hives appear and your throat closes, he’ll feel like a superhero as he stabs your thigh with an EpiPen.
10. Sometimes it is best to keep it simple. Move all your possessions out of your shared home. When he calls to ask where you are, pretend he’s a stranger and hang up the phone.