1. Write unnecessarily eloquent and cogent emails explaining to IT that your computer software is not working.
2. Repeat this step, and strive for originality, in the emails you send to clients, that all convey the same information, over and over.
3. Play a game of trying to work out a philosophical concept while simultaneously empathetically listening to clients on the phone. Consider how you are gaming the system by getting paid for emotional labor while also performing covert productive labor.
4. Work through your opinion/thoughts on a cultural phenomenon all day and jot notes for a piece on it on your phone during bathroom breaks.
5. Briefly, ironically, get into the sexy secretary role; wear nylons and make your boss coffee and ask him about his kids.
6. Avoid the continual demands for emotional attention from your boss by looking extremely busy while engaged in steps one and two.
7. Do all math mentally.
8. Brainstorm ways to make the software your company uses better; take ironic pride in your systemic thinking and try not to feel too dismayed or shook when your boss says he appreciates your systemic thinking.
9. When speaking with clients, work at maintaining upbeat eye contact by remembering that time you successfully defended your thesis.
10. When not speaking with clients, permit a wistful look to take over, as your mind strays to the fact that you have a masters’ degree and a tender passion for an underfunded field.
11. Take brief comfort in the fact that you are likely the last bit of humanity that will ever be employed in this sort of work, knowing that robots will likely imminently supplant such monotonous, mind-numbing tedious labor. Speculate that there might soon be a political struggle to defend human workers’ rights to this labor. Speculate that you would never ever support a labor movement to protect this line of work.
12. Riffing off of point eleven, look forward to the fact that this crummy job you once had will sound like a real curiosity to your grandkids and great-grandkids.
13. Pray every night for universal minimum income and robots.
14. Apply to more graduate schools in your spare time.
15. Start to weigh your parents’ suggestions to study law seriously.
16. Departing from point five, wear clothes that read “graduate student” and spend your spare time holed up in libraries writing. Use this as a balm for your sorry ego, and to add verve to point nine.
17. Buy a black leather phone case flip it open in an important way when riding the subway to work.
18. Take comfort in the fact that your upward mobility through your degree has landed you a with a 30K$ yearly annual job, 10K$ more than the below the poverty line salary you were making as a grad student. Tentatively, start eating at restaurants and ordering drinks beyond the cheapest pint of beer.
19. Enjoy being a young professional. You earned it!!