8 Tenets of Afrofuturistic Utopia

8. No hockey. (Except for in Canada, where some people settled from the Underground Railroad).

7. Atlanta has U.N. Headquarters.

6. CMT is dismantled.

5. British Parliamentary wigs are 3a-4c curls.

4. The U.S. Constitution finally decrees viewing Greta Gerwig films as optional.

4b. There’s a new amendment, which is just a photograph of James Baldwin looking stern.

3. White people pay 3/5ths more for cotton underwear.

2. Snoop Dogg inherits Martha Stewart’s empire — if he wants it.

1. I get personally paid $2 every time I hear see a chin beard, hear Vanessa Carlton in public, or mayonnaise appears unexpectedly on my food.