8. No hockey. (Except for in Canada, where some people settled from the Underground Railroad).

7. Atlanta has U.N. Headquarters.

6. CMT is dismantled.

5. British Parliamentary wigs are 3a-4c curls.

4. The U.S. Constitution finally decrees viewing Greta Gerwig films as optional.

4b. There’s a new amendment, which is just a photograph of James Baldwin looking stern.

3. White people pay 3/5ths more for cotton underwear.

2. Snoop Dogg inherits Martha Stewart’s empire — if he wants it.

1. I get personally paid $2 every time I hear see a chin beard, hear Vanessa Carlton in public, or mayonnaise appears unexpectedly on my food.