Hi guys. LOVING the poem here in Analytics and sorry for the delay on the review. Just a couple of suggestions to amp up engagement and SEO. As you know, we’re on a big push to encourage IG mentions. (Without compromising the work, of course.) Any questions, just Slack me.
P.S. I noticed you guys didn’t seem to utilize the Style Guide we sent over last month re: punctuation conventions and recommended lexicon, so re-attaching here. Would appreciate it if you don’t mind looking it over more closely this time?
1. Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky.
In terms of an intro, I wonder if this maybe doesn’t play as well as it could with younger demos and the whole Barstool Sports crowd. Maybe play with “Let’s roll, bro?” Just keep in mind that engagement totally plunges after the first graf or if we don’t really captivate up front.
2. … sawdust restaurants with oyster shells.
This got a ton of “likes” from the online panel, but can we drive home the metro-aspirational vibe even more? Something like, “sawdust restaurants strewn with cocktail napkins, cooing the ethereal allure of tonight’s bottomless margarita specials?” Might speak more directly to our crowd. I’m just making this up, though — you guys are the real poets!
3. Streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent.
I’m sorry, guys, but: this seems so downcast. Plus, we had to look up “insidious.” Suggest a re-think of this line.
4. In the room the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo.
Woot! Finally, a rhyme! I mean, this IS a poem! We’re already thinking T-shirts and mugs. Really great, you guys. Brav-freaking-ooo!
5. The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes, Licked its tongue into the corners of the evenings.
I’m not opposed to the sexual overtone as it may play well with the Tinder demo, but I wonder if it veers toward the creepy? Also, the word “tongue” and other overt body references can be triggers for some online readers (as was detailed in the Style Guide, ahem). I’d say just tone down a touch? (Also, per guide: “Licked” shouldn’t be upper case. We fixed it on the updated version attached.)
6. I have measured my life out with coffee spoons.
Super-smart to inject a product reference, thank you. Totally your call, but we could take it further if we wanted, from an SEO perspective, maybe include an actual brand reference (not Starbucks, too mainstream but possibly Peet’s)? Happy to hop on a Zoom if you guys want to discuss. We’d need Legal’s okay but no biggie.
7. …And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?
Not sure you need the question mark here, but whatever. More importantly, can we substitute “vapes” for “pipes?” (Please?) Actually, we went ahead and updated (changes are tracked). Couldn’t resist 😊.
8. Would it have been worth while, To have bitten off the matter with a smile.
We don’t get this. Suggest rephrasing for clarity. Did you maybe mean “bitten off the mallard?” Also: the capitalization thing is getting old.
9. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
So lovely, you guys. Bad news is Disney people trademarked “mermaid,” so we’re going to need a revision here. (This shouldn’t entirely be out of the blue, as trademark issues are referenced on p. 72 in the Style Guide, which Marcus worked like four months on, FYI.)
10. When the wind blows the water white and black. We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
Missing the period at the end, but otherwise a really solid conclusion, great visual! One thing: Best practice SEO-wise is to specify the main construct, like mentioning “Azure Tahitian Waters” rather than the more generic “sea.” If your team could work that idea in, great. Also, I think it’s “black and white,” not “white and black.” Prob. just a typo, knowing you guys have been working so hard on this and we appreciate it.
Great stuff, can’t wait to post and track!