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“Over a third of consumers (36%) say their consumption of cheese has increased during the pandemic … The increased appetite for cheese is due, in part, to the fact that we are spending more time at home, providing us with increased opportunities to eat cheese.” – TetraPak.com

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If you lately found yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator, snacking on Cheddar or Monterey Jack, or digging a finger into Brie, you are not alone. Stressed-out Americans have been self-medicating with the moldy wonder, hoping to induce mild sanity to endure their petulant colleagues and esteemed family members, who are simply always there.

In fact, stress-eating cheese has outperformed other American staples, including mass shootings and traditionally menacing lines for the ever-coveted spicy chicken sandwich. Even expensive stationary bicycles purchased with stimulus checks are no match for cheese.

A cumulative month-by-month look at how Americans have endured the pandemic suggests novel approaches to cheese intake. While recuperative fistfights in Trader Joe’s have been on the uptick since the grocery conglomerate expanded its cheese aisles, few predicted the odd obsession Americans have with goats, with many visiting petting zoos and investigating the cheese-conceiving marvels online.

Many Americans have postulated that cheese — and not masks, or social distancing, or hand-washing, or Anthony Fauci, or even vaccines — is the single most important entity in keeping them home, near the refrigerator, and thwarting COVID-19. A recent study implies if the vaccine were administered with a side of cheese, the vaccine rate would increase dramatically across all demographics. Scientists discovered the Johnson & Johnson vaccine pairs well with Gruyere, while Pfizer and Moderna align with Gouda or a tangy Emmental.

In an alarming twist, data shows that goats, which have been domesticated since the Stone Age, will go extinct by 2023 if Americans continue working from home with easy access to their cheeses.

A majority (87%) of Americans surveyed described their cheese intake over the past year as normal to reasonable. Of those, 75% believed their spouse was hoarding cheese elsewhere in the house, 68% suspected their children of awakening in the night and snacking on family cheese, and 72% admitted to counting their cheese daily. When apprised that American cheese intake might decimate the global goat population, most (92%) felt it was not their job, in the middle of a pandemic, to worry about the goddamned goats.