1. My Favorite Cheeses And Why They Are My Favorite Cheeses: Taking A Funny Concept (Cheese), And Rendering It Unfunny Through The Use Of Layer Upon Layer Of Excruciating Detail, Which, Though Meant To Be The True Comic “Meat” Of The Article, Is, In The Final Analysis, Less Funny Than The Purported Subject Of The Article (Cheese)
2. Gorgonzola: An Appreciation
3. Writers On Cheese: From Dante’s Torrid Love Affair With Mozzarella To Faulkner’s Obsessive Compulsion With Colby, An Examination of Literature’s Greats and Their Love Affair With Fromage
4. Writers On Writers Who Write About Cheese: Musings From The Author, And, As Near As He Can Tell, One Other Guy From France Who Says He Writes About Writers Who Write About Cheese Though He Hasn’t Actually Been Published Yet, Or At Least That’s What The Author Thinks He’s Saying, Though He (The Author) Admits There May Be Some Confusion On The Matter, What With The Language Barrier And All
5. With Cheddar As My Co-Pilot: Pushing The Bounds Of Irony So Far On The Subject Of Cheese That I Find Myself Coming Full Circle Back To A (Shockingly) Sincere Article On Wisconsin Sharp
6. How I Spent The Morning Not Actually Working, But Instead, Munching On Brie While Thinking Of Mock Cheese-Related Article Titles
7. How I Really Did Spend The Whole Morning Doing The Task Mentioned In Item #6 Above, Except It Was Jalapeno Jack, Not Brie.
8. How, In The Interest Of Honesty, I Must Admit That Item #7, Intended As A Clarification Of Item #6, Is Itself A Misrepresentation Of The Facts Of My Morning, And How, In Fact, The Cheese Munched On In Question Was American Cheese, In Individually-Wrapped Slices, Folded Over Not Once, Twice, Or Even Three Times, But Four Times, Then Compressed Slightly In An Effort To Simulate “Cubed” Cheese, And Also Arrayed On A Paper Plate And Stuck Through With Toothpicks, In A Manner I’m Familiar With From Cocktail Parties And Similar Functions
9. A Brief Interview With A Piece Of Provolone As A Pretext For Musing About Myself And My Many Charming Idiosyncrasies And Insecurities
10. Whither Velveeta?