Dear Colleagues,

Due to certain air conditioning-adjacent events that occurred last summer — during which time Manuel’s toes got frostbitten and had to be amputated; Jake became delirious from hypothermia and tried to put his head inside his workstation’s computer; Beryl was found hugging the Coca-Cola vending machine and muttering, “All this electricity should be producing heat, but where is it?”; and Tyson tragically died from exposure in the break room’s snack nook, where his agitated ghost still haunts (If you sit there for more than thirty seconds you will hear, from a mysterious distance, the words, “I thought we were a team, but no one responded to my screams.”) — we have decided to make some minor adjustments to our air conditioning policy.

First, we will no longer have only three settings for our summertime ventilation. Yes, for most of us, our previous offerings — Arctic Breeze, Tundra Blast, and Canadian Winter — offered enough variety to satisfy any need. But we have decided to add to these diverse offerings two more settings: Tierra del Fuego and Requisite Sweater. With these additional options, we believe staff will be comfortable no matter the temperature outside.

Second, we will be having an all-staff training day on what to do if a co-worker begins shaking, shedding their clothes, their skin having lost all color, and keeps saying, “Hot, it’s so hot.” If your instinct is to say, “They must be really hot and should move closer to the stream of Tundra Blast coming from above Jackson’s desk,” then you are correct.

Third, we are installing unbreakable locks on all our windows so that no air from outside can penetrate our fortress of comfort. Windows are not for summer; they are for winter.

Fourth, since we are serious about being a green company, and our ventilation system is powered by coal, we will be planting one tree for every hour of air conditioning we use. Questions about where these trees will be planted, and who exactly will be doing the planting, should be directed to our resident tree expert, Jody, at Haven’t met Jody yet? Well, she works here and she is real.

Fifth, on the off chance that our expanded five-tiered options for ventilation may not satisfy everyone, we will be allowing team members to make or bring buckets of ice to keep at their workstations. Fans will also be provided to ensure maximal contentment. Sometimes, if Canadian Winter isn’t quite doing its job, you will find me dipping my hands into these buckets of ice and dropping ice on people’s heads. It’s just one way I like to keep things fun — fun and comfortable.

Lastly, we will be outlawing blankets, warm drinks, and space heaters. These things have no place in an office setting. If, like last year, we have visitors who, upon entering our floor, say, “Cold, so cold,” while shaking violently, or who remark, “How do you live like this?” while pulling their arms in against their chest and then curling into a tight ball on the floor, then yes, certain accommodations can be made. An emergency sweater will be kept behind glass near the announcements board, but it should go without saying that this wool knit sweater should only be used for visitors, and only if they repeatedly say that they might die soon.

I am realizng as I write that my fingers have strtd to go numb, so I wll wrap this up.

Happy smmmmer, and I look forward to many comfortable das together.

On behalf of te management tem,
Chas Gllspe