ALEXANDRA: This heat it putting a real crimp in my BDE. Well, that and the breaking news alerts on my phone. Do we have any more bone broth popsicles? I HAVE to cool down.
MICHAEL: I swear, we can’t mobilize protests fast enough! Yes, the #FamiliesBelongTogether march was great, and not just because my boo Lin-Manuel Miranda serenaded the crowd in DC, but shouldn’t we also be protesting the castration of unions and calling for a halt on SCOTUS nominations until Mueller’s investigation is over?
ALEXANDRA: Pretty sure you aren’t allowed to say, “boo” unless it’s at a Halloween party and only if you’re wearing a costume that doesn’t have “sexy” as a prefix. Also “castrated?” You couldn’t come up with a better word? Why must this culture always link virility and power?
MICHAEL: Did you or did you not just reference your “Big Dick Energy?”
ALEXANDRA: That was irony. Like someone who doesn’t believe in the science of climate change calling for a space force. Besides, “Enormous Ovary Moxie” just doesn’t have the same ring. Speaking of large phalluses, what about a frozen banana? Those are Keto, right?
MICHAEL: I’d be laughing if my core wasn’t so sore from all those planks.
ALEXANDRA: WE MUST KEEP HER ALIVE, MICHAEL. We pledged to dedicate all the life energy we generate with our RBG Workouts to keeping that judicial goddess alive and reigning supreme with the Supremes. We plank for America. We mustn’t shirk our patriotic duties, this week of all weeks, especially.
MICHAEL: I’m pleasantly surprised that we still have this holiday.
ALEXANDRA: I’m pleasantly surprised that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez won her primary. It bodes well for Cynthia Nixon, don’t you think? We should donate some more money to Emily’s List and get more women in office.
MICHAEL: I already split our July resistance fund between the ACLU, RAICES, Human Rights Project, and the Florence Project.
ALEXANDRA: Maybe we could skip brunch this week and give a little extra?
MICHAEL: But brunch is my one and only carb cheat during the week…
ALEXANDRA: I won’t make you choose between brioche french toast and reuniting families, my love. We’ll try our hand at making it ourselves from the Anthony Bourdain recipe. I bought some wild High Line Honey at the farmer’s market last week. Though you have to find some way to cook it without heating up the whole house. Maybe we can garnish it with Halo Top ice cream?
MICHAEL: Tony would have approved of that compromise. We rail so hard against the right, automatically knee-jerking in rejection of everything they propose, that sometimes I forget there’s a middle ground.
ALEXANDRA: Sometimes there isn’t. Most of the time in this administration there isn’t. But we also don’t have to give up everything we love to fight for what’s right.
MICHAEL: Oh please, please say we need to indulge in self-care. I’ve been trying to find a deprivation tank with a manageable footprint.
ALEXANDRA: No to the tank. Go ahead and reallocate that budget to Act Blue or Moveon.org. But yes to self-care! So why don’t you put that hemp deep conditioner you’ve been wanting to try on your beard and finish the embroidery on those suspenders you’ve been working on, while I open the prosecco. I think popping that cork will suffice for our 4th of July fireworks this year. I don’t much feel like celebrating.
MICHAEL: Civility may be dead, but I like to think our democracy isn’t quite there. Yet.
ALEXANDRA: When news organizations are blaming Maxine Waters for the shooting of members of other news organizations, it starts to feel like the Free Press is dead.
MICHAEL: At least Jon Stewart came back? If only temporarily?
ALEXANDRA: Watching that video made me crave a bowl of Colbert’s Americone Dream ice cream.
MICHAEL: Personally, I prefer Jimmy Fallon’s The Tonight Dough.
ALEXANDRA: Well isn’t that total and utter misogyny? Why doesn’t Samantha Bee have her own ice cream flavor?!
MICHAEL: Because Target isn’t going to carry anything called Feckless Nuts no matter how decadently legume-filled it might be.