What is the difference between a cortado and a macchiato?
A) A macchiato has less milk.
B) There is no discernible difference.
C) Can we move this along? My Trinidadian nanny is double-parked.
Is “Apple” a boy’s name or a girl’s name?
A) It’s a girl’s name
B) It’s a fruit.
C) Naming a kid Apple, Django, or Kombucha has more to do with a parent’s insecurity about their own individuality than anything else but what the fuck do I know, my name is Hemingway Mandela Frito Lapinsky and I’m only four years old.
Is the recent opening of a Rag and Bone in this neighborhood good or bad?
A) It’s good for rich people.
B) It’s bad for everybody.
C) Anyone that pays $350 for a shirt that will one day sell for $29.99 at T.J. Maxx is basically getting ragged and boned.
Which is better, Whole Foods or Trader Joes?
A) Whole Foods.
B) Trader Joes.
C) Sometimes my mommy gets into the bathtub when there is no water in it and she cries.
You throw a fit at brunch and people start shooting your parents dirty looks. What should they do?
A) They should take me outside.
B) They should refer everyone in the restaurant to the Wikipedia pages for Cognitive Social Learning Theory and Emotional Self Regulation Strategies.
C.) Brunch is for people who don’t understand that a ham and goat cheese frittata is really just an overpriced western omelet.
What is Kombucha?
A) A healthy drink my mommy likes.
B) An $8 bottle full of lies.
C) I have a sister named Kombucha.
Should a child under the age of 14 be allowed to sport a Mohawk?
A) What’s a Mohawk?
B) Ironic hairstyles should be prohibited until a child is old enough to judge for themselves whether or not wearing their hair a certain way will ultimately have an impact on their ability to have sex with people.
C) My daddy watches bad things on my iPad.
How do you feel about organ meats trending on the menus of local restaurants?
A) I prefer french fries.
B) My great, great grand parents ate liver, spleens, and eyeballs so I wouldn’t have to.
C) I’m sorry, I forgot the question, can I bum an Adderall?
What is 2 + 2?
C) Bologna sandwich.
Public potty training, where do you stand on this?
A) Beats pooping in your $250 Stella McCartney toddler jodhpurs.
B) I will be talking about it in therapy for the next 30 years of my life.
C) (Pointing to his or her own nose) Hey look, a snot bubble!!!