Isn’t this neighborhood charming? The cute brick ranches. The historic bungalows with their breezy porches. The old apartment buildings that symbolize our romantic notions of the working class.

Even the duplexes are just adorable. It’s inspiring how people share walls and divide roofs right down the middle. So egalitarian.

Yes, we love the character of this neighborhood, which is why we bought a house, tore it down, and built a mansion resembling a La Quinta Inn.

It wasn’t an easy decision, but once Brad talked to the architect, it just made sense to go with five stories, nine bedrooms, eleven bathrooms, and a six-car garage with a glass door that reflects the setting sun like the Eye of Sauron.

Did I mention how we love the big porches here? They’re such cute little areas for sitting and talking to your neighbors. It’s too bad they aren’t considered “livable space” and do not add to a home’s value.

That’s why our new home has a porch the width of the front door and the depth of a cardboard box. Depending on your Amazon driver’s creativity, you can stack the boxes six to eight high.

We also love all the yards around here. It feels like you can really relax and breathe—a great place to feel the grass between your toes.

It’s such a shame yards don’t count toward a home’s value either. This is why we left two sixteen-inch-wide strips of zoning-mandated grass on either side of the house and dug up the front yard—sorry, azaleas!—for the vaulted great room with a floor-to-ceiling wine rack.

Speaking of greenery, we just fell in love with the trees in this neighborhood. They provide so much shade. But they also take up a lot of space. And sometimes, in the fall, they make such a mess. And Brad has allergies.

So we cut down the oak trees older than your great-grandparents to make way for the indoor trampoline park.

Let me add that we believe it’s important to give back to the community. That’s why we built the world’s first subterranean Buffalo Wild Wings franchise in the basement. Everybody is invited to the restaurant tonight. Here’s a coupon for 10 percent off your first visit.

Also, if you’ve ever considered selling your home, tonight would be a good time to discuss it over a plate of Cheddar Cheese Curds. Brad just loves the Bulleit Bourbon Sauce.

We love this neighborhood, and we pledge to do our part to ensure that it never changes unless the benefits to us are undeniable. We’d be fools not to take advantage of this housing market.