Please accept my heartfelt apology for my appearance at the War Reenactors Dinner dressed as a Confederate Nazi. Though this outfit was intended to be funny, I now realize that the two negative associations did not necessarily cancel each other out, and instead, as my know-it-all daughter-in-law argued, they actually made it worse.

So, sorry.

Now the Renaissance Faire incident was a family outing, so I don’t know how those pictures got out or why it’s any of your business, but whatever. And yes, some stuffy constituents are apparently upset that I was dressed as a wench with a sign around my neck that said, CALL ME A HARLOT, but lighten up. And I just want to make it clear that I did not then, nor do I now, enjoy wearing women’s clothes, especially female undergarments. My wife and I are very happily married. She could not make it this evening because she’s at home waiting for me to bed her.

And okay, I did wear a giant phallus to the Prostate Cancer benefit, but again it was a joke. Come on. That’s funny. I was hitting tables and other people all night with that thing. People, your prostate is connected to your penis. Get it?

Halloween has always been my holiday, and I go all out. But this year, I admit, it was a lapse in judgment to put that human centipede on our front lawn. In hindsight it was too realistic. Way too realistic. And sure, the college interns who took part in the human centipedes might have been made up to look like my political opponents, but that’s satire. Haven’t you heard of satire? The interns got that it was satire. Or at least the ones who didn’t require counseling did.

As for my Halloween party, I regret appearing as zombie Nancy Reagan and eating Jell-O-mold brains from likenesses of President Obama, the First Lady, and their children. God I hate YouTube. I further regret leaving one of the kid’s skulls empty to imply dimwittedness. That was probably uncalled for.

In closing, I stand before you today, wearing blackface and dressed as Jesus, a changed man who has been shamed and humbled. But I’m not naïve. I know that the media will somehow take my salute to black people and Jesus Christ out of context and seek to spark controversy. But let me say right here, on the record, that I do not now nor will I ever apologize for exercising my right to self-expression through fancy dress-up play.