Greetings, parents. Before I explain why I think I, and not Bob Watterson, should be PTA chair for the upcoming school year, a quick intro is in order. Some of you already know me from my Little League coaching with the Three Brothers Pizzeria Bombers, and also from my work with my wife Peggy for the Dyslexia Foundation. And, of course, I’ve sold a few of you money pits—just kidding, fixer-uppers!

Ooooh, yeahhh! I’m gonna fix you up, Bob Watterson! You’re lookin’ at 220 still fairly ripped pounds of determination, seven years of Harrisfield-area elementary-school parenting experience, and a whole lotta ability to talk to both parents and teachers on their level! What are you gonna do, Bob Watterson, when the school lunch program shifts from free to pay-as-you-go and—

I’m sorry. I sometimes get a little carried away when the spotlight’s on me. Bob has done a wonderful job the last three years as PTA chair, but it’s time for a change in leadership. Several areas have gone unaddressed: the hiring of new teachers, the introduction of a Mandarin program, deep budget cuts to the arts—

I’m gonna paint you a pretty little picture, Bob Watterson: me, dropping an electoral-majority double suplex on you, as your wife, Sheila, watches from the sidelines! I’ve been studying Howard Gardner’s seven types of intelligence as applied to innovative pedagogic techniques for grades K–8! I’ve been researching alternative teaching methods for delayed learners! I’ve been investigating how early instruction in chess enhances students’ understanding of logic, spatial-visualization skills, and self-esteem! And I’ll use all those weapons as I crush you in next Thursday night’s vote, provided the snowstorm isn’t as bad as expected and there’s still the minimum required 70 percent attendance!

Bob, again, please forgive me. I have a hard time controlling myself when I’m passionate about something. And I am passionate about reforming Harrisfield and making it all we know it can be. Why are our children lagging behind Cranston’s in test scores and Ivy League admissions? Why have our varsity teams become an embarrassment? Why do we retain an obsolete three-years-and-tenure system that locks in mediocre educators when neighboring districts have adopted a more flexible quadrennial review?

Bob Watterson can’t answer these questions, because he’s been in a bureaucratic sleeper hold the past three years! Now I’m ready to finish him off and bring Harrisfield into the 21st century! And anyone who disagrees is welcome to challenge me, but you’re gonna have to contend with these 18-inch biceps and a growing contingent of disenchanted parents wanting a representative who’ll stand up like a man to Principal Summers and his craven school-board minions!

Also, I’m hosting an open house at 4355 Elmwood from 7 to 9 tomorrow night. Thank you for your vote.