I’ve gathered everyone in the lobby this morning to address some ongoing issues that are difficult to bring up during the day-to-day hustle and bustle. Being hired at Stantec Incorporated means that you are achievers. A lot of civil engineers apply for this firm. You are the special ones.
Unfortunately, and I don’t know how this completely bypassed me during the administrative process—I’ll speak with my HR intern Cindy after the meeting—you all are fresh graduates of the exact same system. Now, the Disney Imagineers program was a great experience, I’m sure. I bet you learned a lot about the velocity of water rafts and about how to make a robot dinosaur open its mouth so that for a split second you think it’s going to eat you, but it doesn’t and that’s really exciting and great. But we build bridges. Literally. Stantec Inc. is a civil engineer firm that builds bridges for eighteen clients in and around the Sumter County region. That’s it. That’s all we do.
Geoffrey, you’re our star. You’ve made a lot of high-profile deals with city departments who desperately need bridges. However, your delivery is a little bit different. Wakulla County now has a secret grotto that transforms color and emits sparkly fog every hour on the hour. No bridge.
Lori. The Bushnell causeway—again, let me note, a BRIDGE—was supposed to be just that. Nothing more. The city comptroller didn’t say, “Hey, Lori, you know what’d be great? A bellowing Medusa sound byte when people drive over the causeway smiting all male sailors who pass.” Or, “Lori! When you’re done with that causeway, could you add a special lane for a Haunted Doom Buggy?” No, he said, “Can Stantec build Bushnell a causeway?” He did NOT ask for a Chamber of Ghouls.
Imagineering was a fun time for you all. I can tell. But all I’m asking for is basic engineering skills. Stop trying so hard. Drop the games. Drop the confetti. Literally. Cindy, put the silver confetti back in the Orbit Future World Room. God, that used to be my coffee break room. While you’re in there, please take down the galaxy dream charts.
I’m really asking you guys to just jump back into the box. I’m sure your time out if it was pleasant, but the humble town of Starke needs a bridge. What they do not need is a Backwoods Barn Hall Jamboree Light and Synchronized Tambourine Show.
Again, Cindy, I don’t know how we missed this being listed on every single one of their résumés.
You all can get back to work now. And please, don’t chant about “believing” as you walk down the hallway to your offices. Just close your doors and turn on your iPods.