A quick glance at the Channel 3 Weather Map shows widespread temperatures well into the mid-90s, with the heat index likely to tip over into triple digits in several spots throughout the region. Expect the humidity to creep up even a little higher than yesterday, with dew points in the middle to upper 70s, making it very, very sticky out there. If you must go outside, please remember: wear sunscreen and keep hydrated. You also may want to just plan on stuffing a bag of frozen peas in your butt crack—it’s going to be terrible, folks.
Mostly sunny skies in the forecast, with a few low clouds coming in from the west. Only a very slight chance of showers late this evening, so don’t get your hopes up that some of this humidity will dissipate any time soon. No real wind to speak of, either. Just a muggy, miserable day. Not sure how many ways there are to say it: it’s going to be really, really, very hot and humid out there. Enough to make you hate yourself for all the things you were too afraid to say to Karen.
Are you going to want to die because of how hot it is outside? Yes, you will want to die. I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. If you want someone to sugarcoat it for you, somebody to tuck you in at night and tell you that there’s a cold front on the way, that the sun-sweetened summer days of your youth haven’t been transformed by global warming and a lifetime of crippling mistakes into a pit-stained heat-hole of suffocating regret, then maybe you should just switch right on over to Kevin O’Dell and the Channel 6 Weather Squad, because you won’t find it here. I’m not Kevin O’Dell, folks. I’m Tom Sykes, and I’m just giving you the straight dope here at Channel 3. I tell it like it is. And what it is, folks, is extremely hot outside.
God is dead.
Checking back through the Channel 3 Weather Almanac, it looks like there’s a decent chance we could be in for record high temperatures today. The current mark is a toasty 98 degrees, set on this date back in 2005, which also happens to be the last time Karen said that she loved me.
Looking ahead at the four-day forecast, tomorrow’s temperatures could dip down into the low-90s, which will still make stepping outside feel like choking on a hot fart, and in any event, it won’t be nearly enough to prevent time’s dark, bleak truth from reminding you that your best days are long gone. After that we move right into “swampy” on Wednesday, “oppressively swampy” on Thursday, and “a circus-freak’s-crotch-after-three-days-at-Burning-Man swampy” on Friday. How does that sound, folks? I’ll tell you: it sounds awful. Look, if you want me to tell you that there will be a pleasant breeze, or that last night’s showers cleared out some of the mugginess, well, I’m not going to say those things, because those things are lies. Unlike Keven O’Dell and the Channel 6 Weather Squad, and Karen when she says the word “forever,” I’m not in the business of lying, or of telling you that it’s not going to be very, very uncomfortable to be outside. It is. It’s going to feel like you’re wearing a sweatshirt made out of Alfredo sauce. You’re going to hate it.
Probably there will be mosquitoes, too.
“Some relief from the heat and humidity is on the way, though,” is something I’d love to be able to say to you now. But I can’t. I can’t because it’s very, very hot outside, and it’s not going to get any cooler for many, many weeks. This heat isn’t going away, and neither is the pain of hearing your daughter call another man “Dad,” especially when that man is Kevin O’Dell from the Channel 6 Weather Squad.
Be sure to check back with us for more updates on this dreary hellscape of a day, during which you will consider ripping the very flesh from your bones just for the ventilation it brings.
Back to you, Karen.