I just want to let you know that it’s over between us. I’m breaking it off. But please understand, it’s not that I’m not beautiful, sensitive, or a generally perfect guy. I am. In fact, it’s not me at all—it’s me.

I still remember the moment I saw your reflection in the lake. You looked so familiar—I knew I had seen you somewhere before, perhaps while cleaning my sunglasses or polishing my chariot. Our first afternoon together was divine. Remember how your eyes never left my gaze? Hades, we would even speak at the same time! “Jinx, buy me an ambrosia-coke! Jinx. Jinx again.” We did that for eight hours! Oh, Narcissus, remember after just one date, I asked you to come home and meet our parents. It was like they had known you forever.

For a time, it was bliss. I saw much of myself in you, and I loved every bit of it. I loved your radiant intelligence, your gorgeous locks of hair, your caring manner, your modesty. Ha, I just remembered the time when we both gave each other the same exact Saturnalia Day card. That morning seems so far away now. You have changed. I have changed.

Frankly, you have grown selfish; you never give me any time alone. It’s always Narcissus, Narcissus, Narcissus. On top of that, you’ve gained weight, refused to shave, and have love handles hanging out of your toga. For crying out loud, Narcissus, you’ve let yourself go. I’d tell you to go take a long look in the mirror, but I know you’d only come crawling back to me. And then of course, there is our whole situation in the bedroom. Face it, Narcissus, I just can’t fuck myself like I used to.

Alas, I have a confession of my own: there is someone else. I’m seeing another me. Sneaking behind our backs was difficult. You seemed to stare at me, eyes ablaze with disapproval, everywhere I turned. I’m sorry to unload all of this on you, Narcissus, on your birthday, which is coincidentally, also our anniversary, but I felt like you never brought anything new to the table.

And that is why it is over, Narcissus. Something is missing between me and me. My only advice is if you eventually want to love others, you must first learn to love yourself.

Remember there are plenty of other reflections in the sea.

Oh, and you can pick up your stuff at my place tomorrow. I’m burning my sex tape.