Greetings, fellow conspirators, and welcome to our annual convention. I want to first thank our wonderful planning committee for putting this event together. You would think that after engineering multiple wars and a financial collapse, a weekend get-together for three-hundred people would be a fairly simple task! But actually there are a lot of little nitty gritty details involved—Sheraton ballrooms don’t reserve themselves—and we sincerely thank them.

Now, I won’t be long because I know you’ve already been served your dessert, and you probably can’t wait to start on its controlled demolition! But seriously, I want to let you know how truly humbled I am to be tonight’s keynote speaker. I remember when I started out as a measly little assistant on the moon-landing taping. Talk about one small step for man! I was in charge of the catering and I can’t tell you how annoying it was to work with the food people back then. They just wouldn’t stop yammering—it was high-fructose corn syrup this and mercury contamination that, and eventually I was like, jeez, go draw some crop circles! Anyway I remember going up to Neil Armstrong at the end of the taping to ask for his autograph, just trembling from the nerves. Neil, are you here? There he is. A stand-up guy. I still have that moon rock you gave me, Neil. It means a lot to me, even though I know it’s just cement mixed with children’s tears.

Actually, we have a few other special guests here tonight. There’s Murray Cohen, the last living Elder of Zion. Stand up, Murray, take a bow. Murray’s looking pretty good if you ask me—more like a Younger of Zion, really! We also have three U.S. Presidents with us. Yes, folks, of course they’re robots, but they are here. Next, we’re joined by the man who used to be the next President, and the first human Vice President, Al Gore. Give everyone a wave, Al! Al is living proof that every, single vote must be properly downloaded from the server.

Finally, we’re joined by Larry Murphy, who I don’t have to tell you was the lead forger on Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Jeez, Larry, could you have done a sloppier job there? Maybe you could have made things a little more stressful for us? No, I kid, I kid. Larry’s a good man.

We’re gathered tonight for many reasons: to look back and take stock of a year’s progress toward a New World Order; to hear Vice President Gore’s talk on “Mind Control and the Global Climate Fallacy”; to give George Soros a lifetime achievement award; and to steal some little shampoos and then erase the hotel staff’s memory! But seriously, folks, please keep your memory erasers off.

Besides all that, though, we’re gathered here for one main reason above all: to celebrate conspiracy and how far we’ve come. You know, fifty years ago, if you said we’d be able to bring down the entire world economy in a matter of months while simultaneously controlling the world’s energy sources and brainwashing the public for our own mysterious ends, we would have laughed in your face. We would have laughed and laughed, and then doused you with chemicals and thrown you in a secret prison.

But we’ve come a long way. The infrastructure of our conspiracy today makes the military-industrial complex of yore look like a mere child’s toy, one that isn’t even strategically contaminated with Chinese lead. And you know what, folks? We’ve only just begun. Tonight we look to the future—a bright future indeed. A future of world domination and unchecked cell-phone radiation. A future full of corporate fascism, perpetual war, and, I’m told, some very cool gadgets from our friends at Apple.

Now I know a lot of people say our best days are behind us. How could we possibly top the financial collapse, they say, or the mind-control agent we distribute via Jenny Craig? How can we possibly drain any more productive intelligence from people when millions already willingly watch The View? Some even say this is all pointless, ever since The X-Files got everything pretty much right.

Well, I’m here to tell you: don’t you believe it. No one understood The X-Files. Our next great project will be more destructive and secretive than ever. It will involve—well, perhaps I shouldn’t even say it aloud. Hint: play a recording of this speech backward while watching The Wizard of Oz. Around 3:15 you’ll start to understand what I’m talking about.

Alright, folks, I’m almost done. You’ve probably had just about enough of me, and don’t worry: I can assure you, there’s no second speaker hiding in the grassy knoll! Don’t forget to pick up a gift bag on your way out. We thank Goldman Sachs for providing those.

Oh, and one other thing. There’s been a rumor circulating that this whole event was really just a ruse to make money. I assure you, there is absolutely no truth to this. As promised, your donations will go toward investing in new and faster spaceships to be used by our alien overlords to commute back and forth between their home planet and Earth. And yes, they are tax-deductible.