Listen, Kate Upton, we’ve been together for a while now, and while you are undeniably extremely attractive, and I would love to spend countless nights gazing longingly at your barely clothed figure here in our softly lit boudoir, the fact is I am going to have to go against my every instinct and kick you out of this warm, inviting bed.

Yes, because of the crackers.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nowhere I’d rather be than here by your heavenly side, silently studying the delectable curves of your angelic body as you doze lightly… then reaching across the bed to gently stroke the golden fuzz of your shoulder, and—ow! Dammit, I thought we agreed no Triscuits.

Even now I still wonder at the uncanny twists of fate which brought us together across oceans of time and space, so we two might become one, here in our… look, the crumbs are collecting in the center of the bed, Kate. I can feel them in my pajamas, for Christ’s sake!

I know you say it’s really about more than the crackers—that there are deeper issues we need to work on in our relationship, and that I’m using your nocturnal snacking habits as an excuse to avoid confronting my own deep-seated fear of commitment, of falling too hard once again and losing myself forever in the bottomless twin pools of those blue-green eyes.

You’re wrong. It really is just the crackers. Jesus, Kate, would you put the Cheez-It down and listen to me for a second? On the ENDTABLE! Not the bed. Come on.

Listen, you know I’m crazy about you. You are truly a vision of beauty. Your golden hair is like a resplendent cascade of the finest—actually, there’s a piece of ham in your hair right now. No, the other side. Got it. Ewww, I can’t believe you just did that—you don’t know how long that’s been in there!

But how beautiful you are, my darling! Your eyes behind your veil are doves, your lips are like a scarlet ribbon, your breasts like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies, and—ugh, is that crab dip? Gross.

So despite the passion you inspire deep within my loins, and the unending hellstorm this decision will undoubtedly ignite among my fantasy football league, I will harden my heart, and do what must be done—as I have with the likes of Jessica Alba (Wheat Thins), Megan Fox (Lunchables), and Scarlett Johansson (something from the health food aisle with goddamn caraway seeds!) before you: so out. Now. I hope you remember that’s my cheese board.

The Roquefort was an especially bad idea.