I’ve called this emergency meeting to discuss something that’s been on my brilliant mind: I feel like I’m the only one in the Parish Development Committee who is really making an effort to establish a Narcissist Support Group. We’re all on the committee, we all voted to move forward with the project, and we’re all responsible for getting this program up and running. Just because I’m the best-dressed person in the group doesn’t mean I’m going to champion this cause alone.

I understand that my expertise in all fields, especially conversation, empathy, posture, hair, and non-profit management would lead one to believe that I’d be doing the lion’s share of the work around here. Guys, I may have the pecs of a lion, but I’ve recently learned that building a nonprofit from the ground up isn’t something one can do alone. I learned this in less than an hour, which, I’ve been told, is fast.

We can’t turn our backs on the victims just because no one in this room personally knows anyone afflicted with narcissism. I don’t know any narcissist, either. And I know a lot of people. But here I am, day-in and day-out, working harder than all of you.

Look, I know what you’re all thinking: “This guy is a leader and probably a full-time Crest model.” And you’re right. However, I feel like everyone but me has lost sight of what really matters: helping those who feel crippled and blinded by a self-involved, narrow perspective of themselves and the world at large. These people need my help—maybe your help too, but to a much lesser extent.

I hate to admit it, but I saw this coming a mile away. It’s the one and only downside to having both intuitiveness and perfect vision. But hey, everyone has a cross to bear. Now, can I cite specific examples of everyone’s lack of participation? Of course I can. But that’s not the point. I don’t want to start playing the blame game. I was Blame Game Champion in ’04, ’05, and ’08.

Narcissism isn’t an easy path. In fact, most experts agree it’s the hardest. The top scientists in the world have touted it as “the handsome disease,” “definitely worse than bone cancer,” and “the number one cause of anything and everything.” We owe it to these people, and more importantly we owe it to ourselves. Most importantly, you guys all owe it to me.