Spain vs. Netherlands
June 13
3 p.m., ESPN

A rematch of the 2010 finals that your brother Jason won’t be able to watch, because he’ll be at work. Ha. Text him after every missed shot with “Did you see that?!?” No, he did not see that, because he’s at his job and cannot watch important sporting events that happen between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Who’s more traditionally masculine now, Jason? The guy watching sports, that’s who.

United States vs. Ghana
June 16
6 p.m., ESPN

They don’t call it the group of death for nothing. When your wife texts at 5:30 pm to see what’s for dinner tell her you were thinking pizza night. When she doesn’t text back after fifteen minutes text her again with “HOMEMADE pizza night! Got you good! I remember the Agreement ;-)” Preheat the oven to 500 degrees, put a frozen pizza in, and then look up “homemade” in an online dictionary.

Colombia vs. Ivory Coast
Thursday, June 19
12 p.m., ESPN

The kids want to know what’s for lunch. Fuck the kids. This is Colombia vs. Ivory Fucking Coast, the winner of which will likely be the top seed out of Group C and maybe even advance to the quarterfinals, depending on how Uruguay places in Group D. This is historical. Tell the kids there are Trader Joe’s tamales in the freezer, but you’re going to empower them to use the microwave for themselves.

Argentina vs. Iran
Saturday, June 21
12 p.m., ESPN

You didn’t want to watch this one anyway. You’ll have other World Cup games to watch one of the world’s most electric players, Lionel Messi, while he’s still at the height of his powers, but you’ll only get to take your kids to the zoo during your wife’s girls-lunch-out every other Saturday afternoon. What’s more rewarding, honoring the Agreement you made with your wife when you decided to stay at home, or going to Buffalo Wild Wings with Jason and his buddies to watch Argentina slay Iran?

United States vs. Germany
Thursday, June 26
12 p.m., ESPN

You’re a true footy fan, and you know that for the U.S., it’s all about Russia in 2018. It’s not like your sense of self-worth will somehow be irreparably damaged if the U.S. loses this one. At halftime change your LinkedIn title from “CEO at Hanson Household” to “Freelancer at Various.”

Group H Winner vs. Group G Runner-Up
Tuesday, July 1
4 p.m., ESPN

With a little luck in the group stage, this might be the U.S. vs. Russia. Or the U.S. vs. Belgium. It could also be Portugal vs. Russia, or maybe Germany vs. Algeria. Who knows? Soccer is exciting! But not as exciting as knowing that your kids have a loving, supportive father who misses the game’s first half to watch their baseball practice and whose career skills are rapidly becoming outdated.

Semifinal 1
Tuesday, July 8
4 p.m., ESPN

It’s impossible to predict who’ll be in the semifinals, but one thing’s certain: subverting traditional gender roles to put your wife’s career ahead of your own is a completely valid life choice. Before the game text Jason to see if he’ll be watching and then remember that he’s on a golf trip that you couldn’t go on. Being a stay-at-home dad is a full-time job without vacation and sick days!

Sunday, July 13
3 p.m., ABC

This is it. The last game of the 2014 World Cup. Will a European team take the title again? Or will Brazil capitalize on its home-field advantage? You spend your days longing for adult interaction of any sort. Or will the Ivory Coast be the first African team to win? The U.S. will definitely not be playing in this one, but maybe a lot of things will change by 2018.