“Conservatives are lashing out at President Joe Biden for allegedly sending baby formula to ‘illegal’ babies instead of U.S. citizens amid a nationwide shortage.” — Newsweek, 5/12/22

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It is a melancholy sight, to the people of this great nation, to see grocery store shelves, Amazon.com shopping carts, and all other manners of retail outlets completely sold out of baby formula. And as Republicans, we can think of nothing more outrageous than the Biden administration diverting approximately 0.001% of the country’s supply of baby formula to feed the babies of migrants who cannot acquire baby formula themselves because we have detained them at the border against their will indefinitely. Thus we can think of only one way to resolve this shortage in a manner that puts America first instead of last:

We must let the migrant babies starve to death so that we can turn them into baby formula.

Many of the more weak-willed amongst you may balk at the idea of depriving immigrant children of life-sustaining nourishment, letting them die, and then grinding their corpses into some sort of nutrient-rich paste that could be mixed with cow or almond milk into makeshift baby formula. But I ask you, is taking the fruit of human labor from poor countries in order to sustain our own not already what our country has been doing for centuries?

Would it not be more expedient to simply cut out the middlemen of CIA-backed coups, climate change, and multinational resource extraction conglomerates, and just start pounding dead Black and Brown kids into protein powder? Isn’t maximizing efficiency the goal of every market economy?

Remember that babies are made out of baby, so what better way to fix this situation than to feed babies with the remains of other babies who we let perish simply because of their nationality and skin color? This plan also has the secondary benefit of reducing the number of migrants entering the country, because every baby we dissolve into vitamin-filled kid-liquid is one more baby that will never enter this country without papers. That’s what we call killing two birds with one stone, or as we’d say, feeding two babies with one darker, poorer baby.

The question liberals should be asking isn’t “is it ethical to melt dead babies into baby-ade?” It’s “is it ethical not to melt dead babies into baby-ade?” Progress in America is famously a zero-sum game, which means that impoverished children in detention centers not dying of starvation are the real reason your local Wegmans in Scranton, Pennsylvania, doesn’t have any baby formula left. So given their culpability in all of this, it seems only fair to make those kids in cages suffer the consequences by transforming them into nourishment for the infants who made the right decision to be born here. The blame lies squarely on those foreign youngsters rather than the formula manufacturer who spent all their money on stock buybacks instead of sanitation improvements.

Some of you have pointed out that this whole shortage could have been avoided if it weren’t for the fact that three companies control 90% of the baby formula market. But regulating the free market with robust antitrust laws runs directly counter to our laissez-faire capitalist principles which have served us so well up to this point other than a handful of devastating economic recessions, speculative bubbles, and supply-chain related inflationary shocks. So rounding up some kid cadavers and turning them into nutritious baby-fodder seems like a pretty reasonable substitute for any lasting regulatory changes.

As the party of family values, we care about all kids as long as they’re the way kids should be: straight, cisgendered, white, and born in the US but not Puerto Rico. That’s why we can think of no better way to take care of our nation’s neonates than by feeding them the mutilated flesh of other newborns whose lives we already viewed as expendable.

Of course, if anyone in the detention center is pregnant, we will wait until they have carried their babies to term before snatching them away and turning them into bambino-feed. After all, we’re the pro-life party.