Dear Faculty and Staff,

While no cases have been reported in our campus community, in keeping with guidelines from the state, we are taking the utmost precautions to prevent the spread of the novel coronavirus COVID-19. Because of this, we have chosen to extend our Spring Break by two weeks in order to shift the responsibility for looking after our students from Student Affairs to their parents.

Campus maintenance is working around the clock to ensure all surfaces in common areas are clean and disinfected, which will hopefully give them enough overtime pay that they’ll be able to afford to feed their families when they’re not able to work during their own quarantines.

Also, and most importantly, we will be euthanizing all of the adjunct professors.

As you are aware, adjuncts usually work at several schools in order to make ends meet, thus making them very dangerous disease vectors. They also rarely have healthcare coverage. Furthermore, with the use of more efficient online-learning modalities, our adjuncts are no longer needed in the classroom. Therefore, they form an unnecessary risk. For these reasons, and since they are considered “at-will” employees, it has been determined best to terminate their contracts and their lives.

Adjuncts are asked to report to the Large Animal Veterinary Lab, where they will queue in an orderly fashion to be painlessly administered a sedative, and then a solution of potassium chloride.

Several staff members have asked why we can’t just test the adjuncts for exposure to the virus. The simple answer is that, in the US healthcare system, it is much easier to find lethal injection drugs than COVID-19 testing kits.

Finally, as persons over the age of 80 have up to a 15% chance of dying from the coronavirus, senior faculty are most at risk. We will therefore be asking them to take the lead on our new distance-learning initiative. I.T. has placed a helpful video to introduce them to using Blackboard on the school homepage. If you don’t know how to use the mouse to click on the video, please ask your department administrator.

I would like to thank all the adjuncts for their service to our school, and I will see you all in hell.

Ronald Felderman
VP, Academic Affairs