Mr. Dion Weisler
Chief Executive Officer
1501 Page Mill Road
Palo Alto, CA 94304
Dear Mr. Weisler,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Gerhardt “Bullhook” Müller and I am writing to express my urgent interest in Position #36874: Senior Vice President of Training and Internal Compliance. I believe you will find that my skill set is uniquely matched to Hewlett-Packard’s needs. Indeed, I am something of an expert in the field of mammalian compliance.
After 146 years in operation, my longtime employer, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, has announced its intent to shutter operations. During my tenure at “The Greatest Show on Earth” I distinguished myself as one of the world’s preeminent Elephant trainers. Now I am ready to put this expertise to work in a fast-paced corporate environment. Among my relevant skills are:
- Withholding food and affection to create interdepartmental synergy
- The use of sharp verbal rebukes to encourage excellence
- Rewarding best practices with hay and sweet potatoes
- Shackling and caging to improve employee retention
- The administration of electric shock to hasten the shifting of paradigms, and
- Familiarity with Microsoft Office 2013
With 32 years of experience delighting audiences and rooting out disobedience with a sharp, hooked tool, I am prepared to create immediate value for you at HP. I believe in the world of business you might call me a “change agent.”
For example, suppose I told you I could immediately increase employee productivity by 40%. It sounds crazy, I know. But using the same time-tested methods through which I recently taught Jumbo — a 12,000-pound Asian elephant — to balance on a ball, I am reasonably confident I can also keep Brad from Accounting off Reddit during business hours.
Here’s how it works: at the first sign of an undesirable behavior — browsing a Wednesday morning AMA with Ryan Reynolds, for example — I will insert the sharpened end of my bullhook into a sensitive area of Brad’s body. Perhaps his anus. Or apply its fearsome hook to the sensitive areas around his eyes or behind an ear. On second thought, I might simply jab him in the ribs with its blunt wooden handle. It is his first offense. No need to go rushing for the anus.
This approach may sound unorthodox to you, but let me assure you — as Ringling Bros. has for years — that the bullhook is a safe and humane animal husbandry tool. Think of it as a simple extension of my arm – if my arm extended to a spear-like point and my thumb was a curved metal spike used to communicate that I am not to be trifled with. You’ll be astonished at how quickly I get results.
Whether Homo sapien or Elephas maximus, if its compliance you want, Mr. Weisler, it’s compliance you’ll get. The real question is: Why trust your operant conditioning needs to just anyone, when the big top’s loss can be Hewlett-Packard’s gain?
Are you ready to take a chance on a late-career professional and his pointed stick? If so, I invite you to contact me at your earliest convenience — which, because I lack a permanent address and telephone number — I am hoping might be March 13-16 at Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena. I’d be happy to comp you a pair of tickets upwind from the llamas.
I look forward to joining your team at Hewlett-Packard,
Gerhardt “Bullhook” Müller