After the Great War of 2016, America became a devastated, post-apocalyptic wasteland, ruled by an authoritarian overlord with limited language skills. But then the Resistance rose up. This is a first-hand account from the front lines of the guerrilla army of social justice warriors as it fights back using every tool at its disposal, from social media accounts to self-published books.
People were understandably concerned when giant alien spaceships appeared over the United States prior to the 2016 election. This is one of the reasons why many people probably voted for the current President. They wanted a strong leader who would defend the country from all threats, whether those were figments of the imagination or very real spaceships. And the best way to feel reassured that our country was safe was to be told that we were all wrong, that there were no spaceships, and that anything we thought was a spaceship was actually a scare tactic created by political opponents.
The President called aliens a “hoax,” remember? And for a while, it was unclear whether or not any aliens were actually inside the spaceships. Then people started seeing his campaign staff getting beamed up into the interstellar hulls, and the aliens began landing on Earth, zapping election officials with laser guns. At that point, it was pretty obvious that aliens were real and were meddling in our election.
But then the President started saying that even if there were aliens they were probably really nice guys. “Look at all of the good aliens out there,” he declared at a rally once. “I can give you all sorts of names of terrific aliens. Terrific names. E.T., Mork, Chewbacca. All of the Coneheads. Frankly, I think you’re being a little unfair to the aliens. Are they really so bad just because they have giant cannons pointed at our cities? Maybe that’s just they’re way of saying hello.”
As part of the Resistance, part of my mission was to loudly speak my mind, in order to warn people who were already worried about the extraterrestrials. What I didn’t realize was that so many people had already chosen to ignore the problem, so my frequent warnings on social media only served to alienate them further.
And during this entire time, there were giant spaceships floating over a third of the United States, intermittently vaporizing towns.
Of course, now the President says that those towns never existed in the first place. “Look, the aliens tell me that there’s never been a place called Duluth, and I’ve never been to a place called Duluth, so I think they’re right,” he explained at a press briefing the other day. “I mean, who should I trust? Democrats who say they’re in the ‘Resistance,’ or aliens who have a spaceship placed directly over the smoking patch of Minnesota fields where Duluth would be if it had ever existed?”
Then the news came out that the President was planning to meet the aliens’ leader to discuss avenues for earthling-alien cooperation. At the time, I was handed yet another envelope with the instructions for my next mission:
Resistance Communiqué No. 2001
If you receive this message, you have been assigned to one of the most important missions in the Resistance. Try to convince the President not to meet with the alien leader and, if possible, make him acknowledge that the aliens’ continued zapping, vaporization, and laser-related operations pose a serious threat to the United States.
I sighed. This was going to be a difficult mission. How can you convince someone that zapping is bad when they see American democratic institutions being vaporized every day and don’t seem to care at all?
I made my way to the alien flagship. The President’s party was directly under when I finally got close enough to speak to them, and I saw that the aliens’ ruler was already standing by his side.
“Wait!” I called out. “Don’t cooperate with them! They’ve been attacking our—”
I fell to the side as a laser beam narrowly missed my head.
“Did you see that?” I shouted.
“I didn’t see anything,” said the alien ruler, putting a laser gun back in his pocket.
“If you say so, I believe you. I also didn’t see anything,” said the President. He shook what counted as the alien’s hand. “You’re so perceptive. You’re probably the most perceptive galactic being I know.”
“I’ve never zapped anything in my life,” added the alien.
“Did no one really see him try to zap me?” I said.
“I think you’re overreacting,” said a Fox News commentator from the sidelines. “Lasers come and go all the time. There’s no way that you can link anyone to any particular laser.”
Another beam of light flew past, and a U.S. intelligence official behind me turned into smoke.
“He was a threat,” said the alien, and the President nodded.