Hello! It’s us: women. Welcome to our personal space. Thank you for getting in touch. Thanks, too, for not actually physically touching us. The bar is just that low.

Your catcall is important because as women we are taught our whole lives to give priority to men’s needs and desires. Also, it’s been ingrained in us since the beginning of time to remain on constant high alert for guys who are acting in sketchy, creepy, ​irritating, ​and/or ​menacing ways. Wonderful!

Please be advised that your catcall will be monitored for quality assurance and training purposes. That is, if it’s especially idiotic or cheesy, be aware that we will be quoting it to our girlfriends over drinks and laughing ​incredulously about its structure, qualities, and execution for​ approximately​ the next 47 years. Please note that over time, it may become any or all of the following things: a running joke, a saying, an anecdote in a bridesmaid’s speech, a Facebook status, and/or a tweet. That’s the “quality assurance” part.

What’s the “training” part, you ask? It is our eternal hope that by mocking the particulars of your catcall in our social circles for years to come, the various men who happen to overhear us will gradually come to understand that their own catcalls need to improve dramatically, by which we mean they need to stop happening altogether. We appreciate your cooperation with respect to this ongoing and sensitive matter.

​Please listen carefully to the following options:​

  • Press 1 time on the crosswalk button like a normal person, and not 371 times ultra-rapidly because you’re trying to catch up to us ​"just to ​ask how we got so beautiful.”
  • Press 2 of your fellow men for information on “how their day is going” for once, if, as you say, you’re ​truly “just trying to be friendly! What’s your problem??”
  • Press your luck every time you ​inexplicably decide that a woman will appreciate a random man hollering at her in the street!

We apologize for the delay. As women​,​ we’ve begrudgingly tolerated this behavior for centuries​ ​and are just gradually waking up to the fact that we actually don’t have to put up with it​ anymore — we can in fact demand that men stop acting so strangely entitled to our time, space, and attention!

Thank you for continuing to hold. ​Due to an unusually high volume of catcalls, all of our operators are currently busy. Please​,​ no need to try again later.