Hello, and congratulations on your upcoming 40th birthday! We’re honored that you’re going to stay with our company during your golden years. We believe there’s still a place for women your age here, and this note serves to prepare you for the necessary changes to come based on your new special needs.

Your thoughts will still be welcome at the weekly staff meeting. So, you’ll be asked to email your thoughts to one of the fresh, enthusiastic-looking younger assistants beforehand, and she will deliver them in your place. This saves you the hassle of having to leave your desk (we understand that getting up out of that chair is going to be harder now!), plus, we’ve learned that our founders and directors are less likely to listen to anyone who might potentially remind them of their mothers, and much more open to ideas coming from fresh, enthusiastic-looking faces. It’s a win-win!

Besides being removed from any high-profile projects that might draw some press, you’ll also be asked to step out of any photos that may be used on our social media sites (which is all photos); failure to do so will result in your being Photoshopped out. A company like ours lives and dies by its image, and you will no longer be “on brand.” But don’t worry, this will start to feel natural to you — soon, your co-workers will stop registering your physical presence, even if you’re standing right in front of them. See? Synergy!

We understand that you will lose your creative thinking skills, as all of your mental energy will suddenly start going toward forwarding racist emails, keeping track of your bowel movements (help yourself to the Activia in the fridge), and trying not to laugh because you’re worried about bladder leakage (speaking of which, if your department has a writers’ room, you will no longer be allowed to attend — for your own peace of mind). So, when it’s brainstorming time, one of the fresh, enthusiastic-looking younger assistants, whom we definitely did not hire to replace you, will submit ideas in your place. You’ll still be copied on these emails, but there’s no need to respond; everyone will be instructed to block your address, to avoid those sudden racist email forwards.

You’re probably wondering what you’ll be doing with all this extra time. Much of it will be spent attending multiple training sessions, as you’ll suddenly no longer be considered up-to-date on the latest technology and your previous experience will be rendered meaningless. One of the fresh, enthusiastic younger assistants who doesn’t look so… tired all the time will be happy to show you how to sign up for these sessions. And don’t worry — they’ve all been advised to speak to you very slowly and loudly.

We’re certain you’ll see the benefit of these changes, but if you’d rather just get started on that full-time gardening hobby, be on the lookout for our next memo, So, You’ve Decided, Voluntarily, With Absolutely No Influence From Us, Entirely of Your Own Accord, to Quit. And, congratulations on working for such a woke company!