We saw what you did there and just had to take time out to commend you on your fine effort. It’s not every day that someone goes online and shares their unsolicited negative opinion about a [news story/humor article/movie review/social media post of a child’s drawing/seven-year-old DIY gardening video with 15 views]. Fortunately, you play by your own rules. You refuse to be held down by the norms of etiquette and civility. Nuance and context are for the weak. Golden Rule be damned! No, you get it; you understand that the internet forever longs for your knee-jerk, negative, and uninformed opinions that occasionally contain grammatical errors — and you are more than ready to deliver them.

So, there you were, just sitting in your [dorm room/cubicle/parents’ basement/clubhouse at your country club/car, while stalking your ex-spouse at a neighborhood block party], clicking and scrolling your way through the internet to pass the time, taking respite from your sordid life, until you spotted something that couldn’t go unchecked. No, that [news story/humor article/movie review/social media post of a child’s drawings/seven-year-old DIY gardening video with 15 views] must be put in its place, regardless whether or not the author invited feedback, constructive or otherwise. After all, it’s on the internet: it was put there for you to consume and judge, and consume and judge it you shall.

What gives these so-called “creators” the right to distribute their work without receiving any kind of misguided blowback or hot take in return anyway? Are they “special” because they spend time researching their own opinions and ideas before sharing them? Are they “saints” for thoughtfully considering and respecting alternate ideas and opinions that might run counter to their own, unlike folks who solemnly surf the web from their [dorm room/cubicle/parents’ basement/clubhouse at your country club/car, while stalking your ex-spouse at a neighborhood block party] hunting for [news stories/humor articles/movie reviews/social media posts of a child’s drawing/seven-year-old DIY gardening videos with 15 views] for which to eviscerate with a reductive and dismissive half-dozen word response?

Remember what your [father/great aunt/high school wrestling coach/horrifying crone-like alien who shows up again and again in your recurring nightmares] said: “Opinions are like onions. You peel and slice them and peel and slice them, and if they don’t make you cry then — surprise, surprise — you’re doing peeling and slicing onions wrong again, you lazy, good for nothing piece of shit.” So you peel and slice away, sharing opinion after unsolicited opinion until your targets are reduced to tears and the [voices in your head/nightmares/deep-rooted repressed feelings of inadequacy/soul-crushing questions about the decisions you’ve made over the course of your life that have brought you to this moment] subside.

And that’s why today, while sitting in your [dorm room/cubicle/parents’ basement/clubhouse at your country club/car, while watching stalking your ex-spouse at a neighborhood block party] and happening upon a [news story/humor article/movie review/social media post of a child’s drawing/seven-year-old DIY gardening video with 15 views] you were inspired to write the words [“This sucks!”/“Is this supposed to be funny?”/“Their awful!”[sic]/“Who cares about ferns, asshole?”]. Oh boy, did you ever show them! You certainly put them in their self-righteous, think-they’re-better-than-you place. By typing a few letters on your keyboard, you reduced their work to the rubble you think it is. Well done!

So, yes, thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day in your [dorm room/cubicle/parents’ basement/car, while stalking your ex-spouse at a neighborhood block party] to share your deepest, darkest thoughts on the internet. If only there were more people like you, brave heroes who go out of their way to share their important feelings about whatever random thing that comes across their screens. People — many of whom are marginalized, whether socially or economically, or otherwise — who have a history of feeling disconnected from their peers and have no consistent support systems in place while living in a society that increasingly seems to champion the sick burn over measured and rational engagement. And though it would seem the better way to address your negative, unsolicited comment on the internet would be to try and extend a virtual hand and help you out from whatever burdened-ravaged existential hole you’re stuck in, and instead attempt to have a positive interaction with you so we can find some common ground and move forward together, we just can’t rise above and do it.

Why? Well, mainly because we too are sitting here in our [dorm room/cubicle/parents’ basement/clubhouse at your country club/ car, while stalking your ex-spouse at a neighborhood block party] and all we feel right now is animosity and rage, and we can’t be bothered to answer your dumb, inane comment on the internet in a measured, respectful way so as to put to rest, finally, once and for all, this exhausting virtual pissing contest. So, with all that said…

Delete your account!