(Read Part I.)
So like I was sayin’, Svein’s fuckin’ pissed that his sistah got muhrdah’d on Ethelred’s ohrdahs n’ so he gathahs up his guys n’ they all head off tah England n’ they fuckin’ staht hittin’ the coast like the blizzahd’ah fuckin’ 78. I mean these guys ahr just fuckin’ teahrin’ the place apaht n’ ovah the next few years they even get intah the sububhs n’ can’t even name ’em all but yah know they fuckin’ destroy Redding n’ Winchestah n’ fuck even Exetah was hit so hahd that not even the goddamned prep school suhvived.
But now this Ethelred retahd is like, ”Holy fuckin’ shit, what’d I get myself intah? I thought I was gettin’ rid’ah these guys but now they’re on me like flies on a horse’s ass, what the fuck am I gonnah do now?” So what he does is he goes n’ he actually pays Svein n’ his guys fuckin’ like 36,000 pounds’ah silvah in 1007 just tah fuckin’ leave him alone fah awhile. N’ if there’s one lesson yah can learn from this whole fuckin’ mess it’s that if yah nevah evah evah pay a Viking guy tah leave yah alone. I mean how fuckin’ stupid do yah got to be tah think that’s gonnah wohrk? The guy’s a Viking fah Christ’s sake, of course it’s not gonnah fuckin’ wohrk n’ so what happens is he just keeps on comin’ back fah mohr ‘cause it’s easy money n’ it’s shit like that that makes it no fuckin’ suhrprise that they nicknamed this Ethelred guy the Unready.
But now here’s a real shockah: Svein was fuckin’ ovah-joyed by this. I mean, he didn’t have tah fight ah nothin’, he just collected his cash n’ then he sailed on home. So now he’s back in Denmahk throwin’ keggahs every fuckin’ Friday like he thinks he’s a college kid livin’ in Brighton, but his guys, they’re still sailin’ back tah England n’ they’re just fuckin’ ruinin’ the place, makin’ it look like the Big Dig all fuckin’ ovah again. So wohrd’ah this gets back tah Svein n’ he’s like, ”What the fuck am I stayin’ all the way out here fah? England’s fallin’ apaht hahdah ’en a tunnel constructed with the wrong fuckin’ epoxy. I need tah fuckin’ get my ass ovah there so as tah pick up the pieces.”
So he gets in his boat n’ sails on back tah England n’ soon as he does he just stahts goin’ ’round in his truck like Scott Brown, fuckin’ gettin’ every town he comes across tah suppohrt him except fah London n’ when he finally shows up at London Ethelred’s so fuckin’ tehrrified that he shits his pants n’ fuckin’ flees tah Nahmandy. N’ so now what yah got is a Danish guy officially in chahge’ah all’ah fuckin’ England, but the thing is, this poor bastahd Svein, he goes n’ fuckin’ dies like 5 weeks latah. I mean, can yah fuckin’ believe it? Yah got this crazy ass mothahfuckah who literally takes ovah all’ah England without hahdly even a fuckin’ fight n’ then fuckin’ basically next day he’s deadah ’en doohrknob. But he had this kid, Cnut, n’ so this kid ends up becomin’ the new king, but it don’t last long ’cause by now Ethelred’s stirred up enough suppohrtahs in Nahmandy tah try n’ make a comeback n’ so what Knut does is he goes on back tah Denmahk himself tah get his oldah brothah Harald who took ovah as king’ah Denmahk tah help him out.
Now Harald’s pretty eagah tah help his kid brothah out ’cause back in those days yah nevah knew what kindah crazy shit yah brothah might try n’ do, I mean it was pretty fuckin’ commonplace in those days fah brothahs tah try n’ kill one anothah especially if they came from some powahful family ah whatevah. So in that regahd, gettin’ Cnut outtah Denmahk n’ on his way back tah England was a good fuckin’ deal fah the both’ah these brothahs n’ between the two’ah ’em they’re able tah round up fuckin’ like 1000 ships in all n’ some wicked tough guys with names like Jarl Eirik and Thorkel the Tall tah help lead ‘em. So now yah got this huge fuckin’ Viking navy sailin’ tah England all at once n’ Ethelred who’s sittin’ pretty up there in London gets wind’ah this development n’ just near ‘bout has a fuckin’ heahrt-attack.
So now news is comin’ in from all ovah England ‘bout how the Danes ahr back n’ town aftah town aftah town is just fallin’ tah these guys one aftah anothah like the entiyah fuckin’ glass façade’ah the goddamned Hancock towah just came down all at once. N’ so ah’couhrse Ethelred’s gettin’ mohr n’ mohr wound up till finally he actually does go n’ have a fuckin’ heart attack ah somethin’ ‘cause next thing yah know he’s dead n’ his son Edmund’s sittin’ on the throne.
So now what happens next is basically Cnut n’ Edmund fuckin’ chase each othah around fah awhile. So what yah got is yah got Cnut chasin’ Edmund outtah London, then Edmund comes back n’ it’s his tuhrn tah chase Cnut outtah London n’ this shit goes on fah awhile n’ really isn’t very intuhrestin’ n’ they ‘emselves get pretty fuckin’ bored with it too n’ decide tah just call it a truce n’ the deal is Edmund gets the southuhn paht’ah England called Wessex n’ Cnut gets everything else. Well, fuckin’ like a month aftah that Edmund goes n’ dies n’ so Cnut ends up gettin’ everything, n’ he actually manages tah live fah a good while n’ be king ah not just England but even fuckin’ Denmahk aftah his brothah dies n’ fuckin’ even Nahway n’ Sweden too. I mean this guy was fuckin’ huge back in those days n’ so it kindah makes sense that everybody ends up calling him Cnut the Great. But it didn’t last all that long n’ eventually the whole Danish united kingdom thing fell apaht. I mean it was only like 50 years aftah Cnut got made king that England ended up bein’ taken ovah by a bunch’ah Nahmans who ‘emselves were basically Frenchified Danes, but I fuckin’ already told yah ‘bout that.