Has anyone in your family had any of the following?


Aunt Thelma had constipation of speech, and was the slowest talker for several counties. But we do believe that was the drinking, and not from any constitutional failing on her part.

Blood clots, including TMIs, strokes

My father’s father, Mr. Gilbert W. Chandler, is prone to episodes in which he cannot see for sometimes several minutes. He treats these by sitting very still and cursing loudly in Gaelic, swilling bourbon, until they pass.

Blood pressure, high

Uncle Elmer drinks two shots of whiskey a day for what he calls “the yelling disease”, which he claims is aggravated by Cousin Pat and his ferret keeping.

Blood pressure, low

My grandmother, on my mother’s side, has fainting fits, or ‘vapours,’ when confronted with ill-mannered people, the possibility of eating al fresco, or having her age spoken aloud.


Thyroid, esophagus, second metatarsal, fingernail. Also, pancreas.

Double vision/crossed eyes

Great-Aunt Mozelle was knocked cross-eyed by that no-good Horace Bailey, driving the wallpaper truck, on her sixth birthday. (He always was a drunken fool who was trampled by a horse a few months later.) It is very possible she was just always that way and we never noticed. Always was a homely child, bless her heart.


My uncle Francis has that bird-bone disease, where walking breaks your feet. I assume this is the same thing.

Brain tumors

My second-cousin once removed had a tumor growing through his head, that, when they removed it, had to be replaced by a metal plate. From then on, he hung out in the town square, listening to the radio waves he picked up in his skull. He was very popular during baseball season.

Mental illness

I am offended by this question, and refuse to answer it.