I can’t believe that Taylor Swift is [encouraging people to vote / dating someone who did a Bud Light commercial / dating a woke Illuminati vaccine zombie / not complying with my expectations of a pretty, blond-haired white woman].

Taylor Swift’s popularity is clearly a sign of societal decline because she doesn’t embrace my [patriotism / Judeo-Christian values / need to force girls and women into giving birth]. It’s sad to see someone who was once a hero of so many tiki-torch-carrying white men become [liberal / independent-minded / someone who will never date me].

Her music is okay, I guess, and marginally better than anything written by [unattractive women / gay people / Sinéad O’Connor, to whom I still bear an unhealthy and irrational grudge]. In fact, [Kid Rock / Ted Nugent / the guy who sings in Times Square with no pants and a cowboy hat] is so much more talented than Taylor, who is [overrated / a socialist / a woman clearly on her period].

I liked Taylor Swift better in her younger days, when she kept her politics to herself. Aren’t women so much nicer when they [smile demurely / smile on demand / laugh at my “edgy” jokes about cancel culture]? But then some of them have to go and express themselves, which makes me feel [uncomfortable / angry / aware of the utter moral corruption of my own bigoted, flat-earth opinions].

I mean, listen to her songs. She actually has the audacity to sing about heartbreak — who ever heard of a pop song about heartbreak? Taylor should be singing about more sophisticated subjects, like [states’ rights / Rush Limbaugh / lowering taxes for the wealthy / the awesomeness of the traditional family structure / deregulation / how corporations are people / anti-union sentiment / the male loneliness epidemic / Rush Limbaugh’s legacy].

And why isn’t Taylor a mother yet? I’m worried about her fertility. What is a woman if not someone who [has babies / becomes a wife / does what I want her to do / has more babies]? If she were smart, she would [focus on songwriting instead of politics / cede the political sphere to the men who have done such a stellar job until now / accept the invitation to attend the next CPAC as my special guest].

It just irks me that the liberals have been indoctrinating our children in schools, and now they’re doing it as part of our entertainment ecosystem. Concert stages should be safe spaces where people can relax and not think about [politics / controversy / how right-wing identity is just an embarrassing goulash of guns, grievance, and book bans now].

Did you know that Taylor said the f-word when Travis Kelce scored a touchdown? That’s a terrible thing to do when children are watching. Conservative women set a much better example for our children, such as [Marjorie Taylor Greene / Lauren Boebert / Kari Lake / all the Moms for Liberty obsessed with where trans people go to the bathroom].

And now that she’s gotten 35,000 young people to register, she’s probably just going to encourage even more people to vote, and where will it end? The kind of Democracy I prefer is [when the electoral college allows Republicans to win with fewer votes / when we make it hard for Black people to vote / ancient Rome].

The thing that really frightens me is that once upon a time, you could disparage an attractive woman who wields her power independent of male control. You’d be sure to get [outrage clicks / sympathy from like-minded fulminators / a mention on Ben Shapiro’s podcast]. But now, the Swifties are after me, and they’re scary. They’re even scarier than [the deep state / drag queens / Fauci / big cities / a fair minimum wage / Black mermaids / no-fault divorce / common-sense gun reform / critical race theory / science / equity and inclusion / President Kamala Harris].

I know, I should probably just shake it off. But what is there left to say except [I think I’ve seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending / It only hurts this much right now / And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all]? And the worst part of this whole thing? Voters gonna vote, vote, vote.