The Vivek Ramaswamy campaign for US President seeks a red-blooded, Ford-driving, Bud Light-drinking, Bass Pro Shops hat-wearing American who is cool with being yelled at all the time.
As Lead Bro, your primary role will be to make sure that Vivek stops getting called “annoying” by the media and everyone he went to college with. “Strange” is fine, even “unhinged” can be punk rock. But “annoying” is for hall monitors and step-dads, not the leader of the free world.
Vivek is the youngest and freshest new voice of the Republican Party. Some haters have called him an “inexperienced pest,” but Vivek knows that’s also what they called the rat from Ratatouille before he went on to do great things.
Our ideal candidate
- Can blind-recite the entire script of The Wolf of Wall Street
- Took science until fifth grade
- Has a younger sibling who’s a computer whiz like Wade on Kim Possible, in case Vivek wants to omit anything from the internet, like the diversity scholarship he once accepted on a half-million-dollar salary
- Is proficient in Microsoft Excel and Call of Duty: Warzone
- Can retroactively make Vivek prom king at his high school; his campaign is about righting the wrongs of previous administrations
- Ships Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift (non-negotiable)
- Has at least five thousand Banana Republic shopping points available
- Must be able to speak about foreign policy exclusively in NBA references and throw crumpled-up tax returns into wastebins while yelling, “Kobe!”
- Must be anti-gluten (Vivek decided last week that gluten is not real and that more people have died from gluten regulatory measures than from gluten itself)
- Has a background in improv. Vivek has been known to compare Edward Snowden to Rosa Parks and Rep. Ayanna Pressley to the KKK, and he’s making noise about saying “being woke” is a condition worse than Crohn’s disease at the next debate. His Lead Bro must “yes, and…” to each and every one of these—as Vivek likes to call them—“thought pills”
- Is able to freestyle rap methods of deporting undocumented grandmothers
- Is able to look at Vivek for fifteen seconds without glancing at his giant corn cob hair
- Is able to adapt to whichever opinion Vivek wakes up with that day, changes by lunchtime, and then changes again by the golden hour
- Is not South Asian or an immigrant (the conservative target demo isn’t really a fan of either… and we’d hate to double down)
- NOTE: Fundraising experience is not necessary. Vivek is a billionaire so the office will have great snacks and Chevron gasoline on tap
Send a cover letter, résumé, and an MP3 with at least three dope rhymes to our campaign headquarters. We’ll ping you if we’re interested.