“Donald Trump, who tried to overthrow the results of the 2020 presidential election and inspired a deadly riot at the Capitol in a desperate attempt to keep himself in power, announced he is running again for president in 2024.” — NPR

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“Tonight’s very special occasion is at a very special place.”

It’s dinnertime, and I’m glad you like the kitchen, but it’s not that special. Please wash your hands.

“There has never been anything like this great movement of ours, and perhaps there will never be anything like it again.”

We’re just going to the table. We did it yesterday. We’re going to do it again tomorrow. Please sit down, we’re having pizza.

“Together we built the greatest economy in the history of the world.”

That’s a nice thing to say, but I don’t know how much credit you can take for our financial situation. We love you, but you’re a cost center right now—food, clothing, childcare. We’re not asking you to contribute, but let’s not pretend you’re helping us out on that end.

“When the virus hit our shores, I took decisive action and saved lives.”

You brought COVID home from preschool and gave it to the rest of us. Not your fault, but let’s not overstate things.

“Our southern border was by far the strongest ever.”

Your tower of blocks is impressive, but it’s not keeping anyone out.

“My opponents made me out to be a warmonger and just a terrible person who would immediately go into war.”

That was one comment Isabelle made on the playground. Don’t listen to her. You’re our sweetie.

“They say the ocean will rise one-eighth of an inch over the next two hundred to three hundred years.”

Pretty sure your numbers are off, but I’m glad you’re thinking about climate change.

“The decline of America is being forced upon us by Biden and the radical left lunatics running our government right into the ground.”

Did you mess with the parental control settings on YouTube again?

“Herschel Walker, a fabulous human being who loves our country, will be a great United States senator.”

Oh, no. Herschel Walker was a football player. That is all you are allowed to know about him. Please don’t talk about him at school, or your teacher will call us.

“Biden did a lot of bad things like going to Idaho and saying ‘Welcome to the state of Florida.’”

It’s not bad to make mistakes. It’s okay to make mistakes. We learn from mistakes. And that’s not even a bad mistake, it’s just an accident. Like when you thought your bath crayon was toothpaste.

“I won every single area along the borders, the longest since Reconstruction. I said Reconstruction. I guess you call that the Civil War. That’s what I call it.”

See, this is what I mean. Mistakes are okay. I love that you’re interested in history, but Reconstruction is not the same as the Civil War. Reconstruction was the period after the Civil War when— you know what, finish your pizza and then we’ll talk about it.

“The best number is 1%. Do you know that?”

Yes, math is fun.

“I didn’t need this. I had a very nice, easy life.”

It’s just the crust. I actually think it’s the best part of the pizza, even though there isn’t any cheese on it.

“A knife is more painful than a gun.”

Not true, but we don’t play with either one.

“We will not let men participate in women’s sports.”

Everyone can play whatever sports they want to.

“We will plant our beautiful American flag very soon on the surface of Mars.”

Do you want to be an astronaut now?

“I am asking for your friendship and your prayers on this very incredible but dangerous journey.”

You’re just going to the bathroom. It’ll be okay.

“We will make America powerful again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America strong again. We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again. We will make America glorious again. And we will make America great again.”

You know so many words, sweetie. I’m so proud of you.