“Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida suspended his campaign for president on Sunday and endorsed former President Donald J. Trump, marking a spectacular implosion for a candidate once seen as having the best chance to dethrone Mr. Trump as the Republican Party’s nominee in 2024 .” — New York Times
Please rise to commemorate a great culture warrior who fought his last battle this weekend against the terrifying threat of family-friendly restaurants like Hamburger Mary’s. Today, we honor this awe-inspiring man who dared to draw a line in the sand by harassing and targeting kids and terrorizing their parents.
No one will ever forget how he took on the scourge of librarians and teachers. Let us remember that these folks earn less money than our hero spent on the Iowa voters who rejected him and his collection of height-increasing boots.
It was hard not to be inspired by this genius who established multiple fronts in the Disney Wars, claiming glorious victory (though, on a purely technical level, our mighty meatball was actually humiliated and defeated). Or impressed by how he boldly banned Black history at universities and praised slavery while quoting Martin Luther King. Bow your heads for the guy who led the assault against Black voters and spearheaded the fight against voting rights. Oh, how valiant was the Florida Gladiator who hired and fired a guy who used Nazi symbols in his memes. What a leader.
It seems like only yesterday when the nation’s media was crowning our legendary lion as the greatest consensus leader since FDR. And how could they not be besotted, with his scorched-earth attempt to roll back gay rights to the ’50s, not to mention his dazzling and captivating smile?
All hail the dauntless ninja who led the assault on that most pernicious of enemies : books. Our David took on many of the horrible and frightening goliaths known to humankind: Steve Martin, dictionaries, and Dr. Seuss.
Behold — let us recount the story of one man’s exalted trickery and aggression against the most helpless and destitute human beings in our midst, even as he invoked God and claimed to be anointed by God himself. Recall how he flew those asylum seekers from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard for no reason other than to score points with the most hate-filled people of our acquaintance.
And, of course, we will always associate this fearless legionnaire with the folkloric war he waged on women. For what is heroism if not threatening the lives of innocent girls and women, persecuting doctors, and forcing unendurable pain on people who are already suffering the worst tragedies of their lives?
Now, tragically, he is gone. And we are left to wonder: Who can possibly replace this icon?
But fear not. Today, we are fortunate and blessed. For our idol’s mentor is still around, sword in hand, ready to take on the Culture War enemies still lurking in our midst. And lo and behold, don’t you know that he is leading in every poll from Iowa to South Dakota, despite his many indictments, convictions, confusions, and the other 1,056 cruelties, corruptions, and crimes. So even as we mourn this tremendous loss, we can all rest easy, knowing that one day Mickey Mouse might yet be vanquished.
So, let’s all pour one out for Ron DeSantis. As the great Winston Churchill once said, “He drinks a whisky drink. He drinks a vodka drink. He drinks a lager drink. He drinks a cider drink. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down.”