Cassandra (B.C.)
Cassandra said no one believed her prophecies because Apollo cursed her after she wouldn’t sleep with him, which is definitely a lie. Who wouldn’t sleep with Apollo? This is a classic example of a woman trying to have her cake and eat it too – you can’t sleep with a god and then pretend like you didn’t, Cassandra. Her prophecies were lies, which is the real reason no one believed them. The fact that most of them turned out to be true is coincidence that shouldn’t detract from the fact that Cassandra was crazy and a big-time liar.

Joan of Arc (1412 – 1431)
History is littered with women lifting sieges to get that guy they’ve been eyeing crowned King of France. Joan of Arc said she had visions telling her to support Charles VII, but it’s so much more likely that she had a giant crush on the guy and wanted to impress him. Have you seen Charles VII? He must have had really sexy shoulders to hold up those big puffy shirts he wore. Besides, if I were the Archangel Michael, I’d definitely appear to another man. Men just get each other, you know? Joan hoodwinked the French, but the English saw her for what she really was – just another big-time liar.

Anne Boleyn (1501 – 1536)
Anne Boleyn was such a big-time liar that her head fell off from lying.

Marie Antoinette (1755 – 1793)
Despite the fact that “let them eat cake” isn’t so much a statement of fact as it is the verbal incarnation of a bourgeois shoulder shrug, Marie Antoinette was still a big-time liar who told big-time lies. Marie Antoinette lied so much that literally every peasant in France got mad at her, and that’s how the French Revolution started.

Jane Austen (1775 – 1817)
Jane Austen famously told us that “a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,” but I’ve seen the shorter of the two Pride & Prejudice movies and if Bingley and Darcy wanted anything, it was more opportunities for just the two of them to spend quality time together. Jane Austen was also a novelist, so I guess it goes without saying that she was a big-time liar through and through.

Sacagawea (1788 – ???)
I’ve seen paintings and statues of Lewis and Clark, and I get it, Sacagawea, I’d make up an excuse to follow them across the bulk of the continental United States too. The difference between you and me is that I wouldn’t make up some giant lie about two competent men with great hats needing directions from a teenager. This is why you get your name on a dollar coin and not a university.

Rosalind Franklin (1920 – 1958)
Geneticist James Watson suggested that Rosalind Franklin should have been awarded a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for her work on X-ray diffraction images of DNA. This only proves that Rosalind Franklin was particularly adept at getting those around her to believe her big-time lies. If Rosalind Franklin were really that great at science, her name would be Ben Franklin and I would know who she is already.

Senators Elizabeth Warren (b. 1949) and Kamala Harris (b. 1964)
I just feel like I can’t trust these girls.