TIM: Life begins at conception. Pregnancy is a gift from God, which is why I’m cosponsoring this anti-abortion legislation after asking my lover to have an abortion. I’m 65 and she’s 32, but you probably figured that out already.

SCOTT: When you’re a pro-life, pro-family values Republican doctor running for Congress, you understand the value of human life. I had an affair with a patient and then pressured her to have an abortion. I also fired a gun outside my wife’s bedroom. Who better than me to forcibly take the choice away from American women? I had to send my girlfriend out of state to get her abortion. Liberals are hedonistic monsters and it just makes me so angry!

ERIC: Being pro-life means that every human life is treasured. As a proud husband and father, I had an affair with my hairdresser, tied her up, took photographs of her while she was naked and then threatened to release the images if she didn’t keep silent about our affair. I also sexually assaulted her. Abortion is immoral, which is why I signed this legislation further restricting it in my already oppressive Family Values state. Women like the hairdresser I abused should not be trusted to make this decision.

DENNIS: I have never paid for an abortion. My pro-life voting record speaks for itself. We want to live in a society where every child has a chance at life. I sexually abused teenagers while I was their coach and paid them $3.5 million to stay silent. Babies are precious!

MARK: That totally reminds me of the time I texted sexual images to an underage page. There’s no way to get a teenage boy pregnant, so no hypocrisy on my anti-abortion stance.

TED: The most effective way to reduce abortion rates is to increase access to birth control. That’s why me and my twelve male colleagues who love life so gosh darn much want to restrict access to birth control. Women should be allowed to perform in porn videos for our pleasure but they should not be trusted to make their own choices.

STEVE: Being the finance chairman of the pro-life Republican Party has been the greatest honor of my life as I raped and sexually abused multiple women and threatened them with attack dogs. Women should not be trusted to make their own choices.

ROY: 14-year-old girls are sexy and women should not be trusted to make their own choices.

JIM: I was named Pro-Life Legislator of the Year and won the Defender of Life award. Everyone deserves an advocate. Except for teenage athletes sexually abused by their coach.

ROB, COREY, STEVE, ANDREW: No one values women like this wife-beating administration. Women should not be trusted to make their own choices.

ELLIOT: The reason I work for the Republican National Committee and raise money for the Republican Party is because the GOP is the pro-life party. What is more sacred than life? What is more urgent than paying my Playboy Playmate mistress $1.6 million in eight quarterly installments to buy her silence about our affair and her abortion? And why did Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen arrange the non-disclosure agreement for me? 1.6 million dollars says you’ll never find out.

DONALD: Did I pay for multiple abortions? It’s such an interesting question. The important thing is that rich Republican men will always be able to abuse and assault women and also pay for their mistresses’ abortions, even as we take the decision away from women who shouldn’t be trusted to decide for themselves. Only then will America be great again, mostly for Republican men.

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Read an interview with Devorah Blachor about writing this piece over on our Patreon page.