We’re incredibly, amazingly stoked that you’ve decided to spend a day at Uncle Rick’s Water Slide and Cocaine Park! Here’s what you should know when planning your visit to the PREMIER SPOT FOR INSANE WATER PARK ACTION AND COCAINE IN THE NORTHEAST!
Other water parks were not giving Uncle Rick the fix he needed with their SAFETY REGULATIONS AND DEARTH OF COCAINE-FUELED WATER RIDES, so the big man set out to DISRUPT BOTH THE WATER SLIDE AND COCAINE INDUSTRIES following a particularly awesome time he had breaking into Six Flags after a DURAN DURAN CONCERT. Although it took several years and failed rehab stints to actually execute that plan, the end result is your ONE-STOP SHOP FOR SUMMER SPLASH-MAZEMENT AND NARCOTICS FUN.
Getting to the Park
Uncle Rick’s has been located at several different sites throughout our STORIED HISTORY as America’s top spot for FUCKING CRAZY FUCKING RIPS DOWN THE CHUTE. Until recently, we were unable to PUBLICLY POST OUR LOCATION due to the RISK OF UNWANTED ATTENTION FROM LAW ENFORCEMENT. In the past, after catching wind that the FUZZ HAD SNIFFED US OUT, we were forced to BURN YOUR #1 SPOT FOR SUMMER AQUA-BATICS AND NOSE-LYMPICS TO THE GROUND and relocate with all of the PLASTIC TUBING AND COCAINE we could fit into the VAN. But those types of legal issues are a THING OF THE PAST because we have constructed a brand new WAVE POOL that spans the U.S.-Canada border, and so is TECHNICALLY INTERNATIONAL WATERS, thereby making the park INVULNERABLE TO THE FEDERALES. This is according to my buddy’s cousin JIMMY, who did a SEMESTER AT WIDENER LAW. Although that is not actually his REAL NAME, a fact I discovered when the W-4 I completed on his behalf DID NOT PROCESS CORRECTLY — yet another example of the trials and tribulations of being a SMALL BUSINESS OWNER of a FLY BY NIGHT WATER SLIDE AND COCAINE CONCERN in the MODERN CAPITALIST ECONOMY.
Please, no outside food or cocaine! Uncle Rick’s has a fully functioning kitchen and snack bar ON THE PREMISES. There are also plenty of gluten- and nut-free options available because we want every guest to have a FUCKING AWESOME TIME BLASTING THE TUBES, REGARDLESS OF ALLERGIES OR DIETARY RESTRICTIONS OR LACK OF ACCESS TO COCAINE.
No foul language! This is a FAMILY WATER SLIDE AND COCAINE PARK.
For every loop you make on the Lazy River, Uncle Rick will personally give you an AGGRESSIVE HIGH FIVE as you pass by, which you should DEFINITELY TAKE ME UP ON so I don’t start getting PARANOID and QUESTIONING WHETHER YOU ARE POSSIBLY A NARC.
For the Log Flume, Uncle Rick humbly requests that you BRING YOUR OWN LOG.
Each of our slides features the MUSIC OF THE SCISSOR SISTERS AT VERY HIGH VOLUME. And every slide except one ends in a VERY FAST FREEFALL into an awaiting pool that is ALMOST CERTAINLY DEEP ENOUGH TO PREVENT A SERIOUS INJURY, THIS AGAIN ACCORDING TO NOT-JIMMY, who now that I stop and think about it may not have actually gone to Widener Law at all BUT STILL GIVES PRETTY GOOD LEGAL ADVICE.
A lot of people ask Uncle Rick why one of the slides is just a LOOP WITH NO APPARENT EXIT that appears designed to just TRAP YOU IN A CANISTER THAT IS RAPIDLY FILLING UP WITH WATER. And the answer is: YES! That is the OUROBOROS, just one of the many AWESOME AND UNIQUE FEATURES of the #1 spot for SERIOUS FUCKING WATER FUNTASTICISM. If you are overly concerned about the prospect of having to CLAW YOUR WAY TO FREEDOM through INDUSTRIAL GRADE PLASTIC, well, THAT’S WHAT THE COCAINE IS FOR.
In addition to the Lazy River and Log Flume, Uncle Rick’s boasts a half-acre Splash Pad for the little ones, which is HONESTLY JUST OKAY NO MATTER HOW MUCH COCAINE YOU HAVE INGESTED, BUT THE KIDS SEEM TO LIKE IT NEVERTHELESS.
As always, 10% of all ticket proceeds go to the MARCH OF DIMES.
So grab your family or coworkers and get to Uncle Rick’s for some BANANAS FUCKING WATER SLIDES AND ALSO COCAINE. Thank you for reading. You guys are FUCKING TREMENDOUS!