“The world is a different place, but we feel really prepared to operate in this new environment that we’re in,” says Josh D’Amaro — the new chairman of Disney Parks, Experiences and Products about the reopening of Disney World in Florida." — CNN

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Dear Valued Guests,

We here at Walt Disney Parks and Resorts value your health and well-being. But we can’t just let our theme parks sit empty or we’ll lose money. And if we lose too much money we won’t be around anymore to value your health and well-being. So for your sake, we’re reopening Disney World with the following additional rules and changes in order to maximize safety — and let’s be honest — profit:

1. Each admission ticket now comes with a complimentary pair of our premium $49.99 Mickey Mouse ears to be worn as a mask over your mouth and nose while in the park. Due to the financial stresses of COVID-19 we also regret to inform you the cost of admission has risen by $49.99 per ticket.

2. Every guest will have their temperature taken before entering the park. Any guest with a temperature too high to enter will be sent to the new Disney’s Frozen Sub-Zero Quarantine ChillZone until they cool down enough to pass the temperature screening.

3. Splash Mountain will now be filled with hand sanitizer instead of water.

4. The teacups from the Mad Tea Party ride will be removed and sent down Splash Mountain after every use. Guests can pay extra and sign several liability waivers to ride them down.

5. Every guest must stay approximately six feet — or one Goofy with outstretched arms — apart from each other.

6. Do not under any circumstances approach our Goofy mascots throughout the park and ask them to demonstrate what six feet is by stretching out their arms. They are all extremely sick and should be avoided at all costs.

7. Any guest caught violating social distancing rules will be confined to the It’s a Small World ride where the song will be playing on loop at maximum volume until the guest pays a re-entrance fee and promises not to flout the rules again.

8. In The Hall of Presidents, Richard Nixon now gives a helpful tutorial on hand washing.

9. The entirety of the Country Bear Jamboree has been put down just in case robot bears can be COVID-19 carriers.

10. The lasers in Buzz Light Year’s Space Ranger Spin have been replaced with experimental high power virus-killing UV rays. Rather than shooting cute aliens, guests will be encouraged to aim at each other’s faces.

11. No changes to Space Mountain. We read somewhere the virus can’t travel as fast as a roller coaster (fingers crossed!).

12. We will start cleaning the bathrooms.

13. To offset cleaning costs and discourage crowding we will start charging for bathroom use.

14. Epcot’s Carousel of Progress has been reversed to approximate how our country may regress as it suffers pandemic induced collapse.

15. All of the Disney scientists and geneticists currently attempting to splice human and mouse DNA together in order to create a real-life Mickey Mouse will be reassigned to working on a vaccine for COVID-19. The many failed Mickey monstrosities will be used as test subjects for the experimental vaccines.

16. Due to their generally filthy and disease-ridden nature, children will no longer be admitted to the park.

17. The bodies of any guest who expire in the park, whether or not from COVID-19, will be stored in the big silver Epcot ball just to be safe. When the ball is full we will roll it into the swamp.

18. The souls of the countless guests who have mysteriously died by freak accidents in the park will be released from the Haunted Mansion to make room for all the souls of the people who will get sick in the park.

19. Finally, the entire park will be lifted out of Florida and moved to a safer location as soon as possible. We’ve honestly wanted to do this for a long time and this is really the perfect opportunity.

With your help and cooperation and willingness to keep shoveling money into our theme park furnace despite the dangers to you and your family we can all come out of this with some magical memories and quarterly earnings. Remember, if Disney World were to stay closed too long the resident gators would legally inherit the property under Florida adverse possession law. We’ve really got to get out of this state.