[DISCLAIMER: This course is not a lesson in how to eat a lobster (we’re not ignorant, but we’re not morbid, either), or how to become a lobster (totally preposterous, thank you Yorgos Lanthimos, our PR department will be dealing with that forever), but rather a lecture course on the general appreciation of lobsters in society. For payment, please stuff 20 US or 25 Canadian dollars into a sealed, waterproof bottle and chuck it anywhere off the coast of Maine. No refunds, obviously.]
The Lobster Basics
We are arthropods! We are a great source of protein! We molt a lot! We cannibalize each other!
Famous Lobsters of Screens Big and Small
Robin Williams cooking up a crustacean in Mrs. Doubtfire? Woody Allen in Annie Hall? (Yes, he’s canceled for lobsters, too.) And what about our animated friends? Ever wonder about the real-life origins of Larry the Lobster, lifeguard of Spongebob’s fictional undersea village, Bikini Bottom? You are shaking your head no. Okay, what about Sebastian, the real lobster behind Disney’s animated character? Oh shit, Sebastian’s a crab. Moving on!
Jews have the Torah, Christians the Bible, Muslims the Qur’an, and so forth. Lobsters (and, sigh, we know, “cerebral” American undergrads) have the David Foster Wallace essay, “Consider the Lobster.” You can’t graduate from Lobster High School without reading this. Let’s just get it out of the way.
Lobsters in Fine Art
Sure, the human form is gorgeous, but have you ever really looked at a lobster? I mean, realllllly looked. There’s something there, no? Picasso, Dali, and Albrecht Dürer certainly thought so — among many other frankly brilliant and perfect and wise artists. (Note, we hear there is a “lost” “sexual” component to this portion of the course circulating on the black market. We have nothing to do with that. But don’t look so disgusted. That is offensive to us.)
Sorry to burst your human bubble, but these establishments — painted not coincidentally, we think, in the infernal red of hellfire — are known to us as “mass graves.” (For several reasons, this week is where we usually lose people, so we’ve thrown in the proprietary recipe for the “Cheddar Bay” Biscuits© Golden Gate Capital private equity firm. Yes, the recipe is stolen and, no, we’re not even remotely sorry. Just TRY and sue us, you dirty, murderous bastards.)
“Rock Lobster” by the B-52s
Let’s dive into — sorry, lobsters love puns — the exegesis surrounding your Long Island Bat Mitzvah song slash our unofficial Lobster National Anthem. All of your questions will be answered, starting with: why would a man fall asleep with an earlobe submerged in water? You’ll have to take this course to know, and even then, to be totally honest, you may not.
[EXTRA DISCLAIMER: With the exception of the B-52s lyrics, the entire class is taught in Lobster. Sorry, but what did you expect? By the way, want to know one way that lobsters communicate? We pee out of our faces. Huh, right? Again, no refunds.]