1. What is the middle name of the person who founded your school and thus unwittingly triggered this descent into hell you’re now experiencing?

2. What kind of animal is your school’s mascot, and, on a scale of one to ten, how susceptible is that species to the coronavirus?

3. What is the title of the one-day, one-hour, in-person course you would be willing to teach solely so that your school’s international students could remain in the country? (e.g., “Curating a Netflix Queue 101,” “Ivanka’s Twitter Feed: An Exercise in Empty Rhetoric,” “Critical Perspective and Analysis: Stuff I Found at the Bottom of My Backpack”)

4. Which Trump Administration member do you feel would most benefit from taking your introductory-level class on Ethics and Morals in Western Civilization?

5. What is the area of campus you inexplicably miss not being able to visit (e.g., “Second stall in women’s bathroom in the campus library,” “Weird old gnarled oak tree where students make out”)?

6. What is the name of that one student you thought wouldn’t pass your course last term, but in the end earned an A-, because small, anecdotal stories of success are the only things you have to cling to right now?

7. What is the translation of the phrase “in these unprecedented times” in your area of expertise (e.g., Latin, binary code, interior design)?

8. What is the reason you didn’t take your university’s early retirement buyout offer (e.g., “Cannot live for the next 20 years on $2,000”)?

9. What is the percentage of students your school expects to attend your synchronous classes?

10. What is the percentage of various employees of your university who have told you that they missed returning your emails/meeting with your virtually/explaining new protocols clearly because “things are so crazy right now!”?

11. Why did you become a teacher, anyway? (e.g., Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” video, misremembering Anne of the Avonlea, poor life choices)

12. Which room in your home do you go to cry?

13. How many times this semester will you tell your students to please, for the love of God, register to vote?

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Why Did I Get a B? And Other Mysteries We’re Discussing in the Faculty Lounge, Shannon’s book of memoir and humor about her twenty-year teaching career, including several pieces that first appeared on our pages, is available wherever fine books are sold.