In light of recent events, we here at Anthropologie would like to take a minute and reflect on how our company can do better for our customers and be more sensitive to issues about race. We read the BuzzFeed article and realized that we messed up and need to fix it. We know, we know, “another corporate brand making gestures to be more ‘inclusive’?” Well, we’re taking additional steps to take inventory (literally) and remove products from our store that can be seen as problematic, offensive, or generally not woke.

First off, we will be removing our entire section of kimonos from our website. Honestly, what were we thinking? We didn’t know that kimonos were part of a long history of Japanese culture. We just wanted to let women live out their own Miss Hannigan dreams of being the drunken charge of six rambunctious orphans. Our apologies.

We also have a whole category called “Little White Dresses.” Eek… looking at that now, we can see how that can be offensive. First, “Little Black Dresses” were the original “Little Dresses.” We didn’t need to remake an entire section to appease the “White Dresses Matter” crowd. As of publication, we have changed “Little White Dresses” to the more aptly named “Little Dresses That Aren’t Actually White, They’re One-Sixteenth Cherokee.” We hope this clears up any confusion.

We’ll also think about the products we sell and who they are for. For example, we are no longer selling cork-soled wool clogs because they just feel racist. Same with the ocean blue baseball cap that just says MONTAUK on the front, which is quite frankly, the whitest place on earth.

Actually, taking a closer look at the stuff we sell, a lot of it is really frickin’ white. A $90 raffia visor? A bath mat with “The Loo” embroidered onto the front? An entire picture book of white people playing the ukulele? OK, you know what? Let’s just get rid of it all.

It has also come to our attention that we sell an essential oil spray called “Namaste Ninja.” We’re not sure if this is racist, and we don’t really want to investigate it, so we’re dumping that too. Please don’t yell at us!!

After taking an even deeper dive into our inventory, the only products we now sell are a $400 jute pillow and a glass dildo.

OK, so I was just informed we describe the jute pillow, which is made in Brooklyn, as “globally inspired,” so all we have now is the dildo.