“The first group of White South African refugees arrived in the U.S. on Monday under President Trump’s executive order mandating they be prioritized for resettlement—even as the broader refugee program remains largely on hold.”
—NPR

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1. Are you a victim of racial discrimination?
A. Yes
B. Yes, in the sense that the systemic advantages my people used to enjoy have been chipped away at somewhat in recent years

2. Do you own Birkenstocks?
A. No
B. Yes

3. Is there currently a genocide against people of your race, religion, or culture?
A. Yes
B. Yes, in the sense that we are no longer allowed to take land away from other people whenever we want to, which is basically just as bad

4. Is rice a crucial staple in your cuisine?
A. Yes
B. No

5. Has anyone ever described your complexion using adjectives like “pallid,” “sallow,” or “wan”?
A. No
B. Yes

6. Are your ancestors from a country that has invaded another country, mostly to have easier access to tea?
A. No
B. Yes

7. Rate your dancing abilities on a scale from 1–10

8. Does the country your ancestors originate from currently possess one or more territories that are popular Caribbean vacation destinations?
A. No
B. Yes

9. Does camera facial recognition software easily detect your face?
A. No
B. Yes

10. Is your country mentioned in a Bob Marley protest song?
A. Yes, and our people were the ones everyone was protesting on behalf of
B. Yes, and our people were the ones everyone was protesting against

11. Has your mother ever threatened to smack you with a sandal, chancla, or other open-toed shoe?
A. Yes (NOTE: Birkenstocks don’t count)
B. No

12. What is the lowest UV Index number at which you get sunburned?

13. Is there a billionaire from your country who has an outsized influence on the U.S. government and would rather fund your resettlement than spend that money on kids with cancer?
A. No
B. Yes

14. Would you be able to assimilate easily into the United States?
A. Yes, like every immigrant group in the history of the United States, we would be hard-working, contributing members of the rich tapestry that is the American people
B. Yes, mostly because the police will never harass us

15. Do you actually require refugee status?
A. Yes
B. No, I’d just rather live in a country whose government is committed to maintaining the systemic advantages I currently enjoy

SCORING:
Tally the number of A’s and B’s. For every B, add a point to your score. For every A, subtract a point. Then subtract your responses to questions 7 and 12.

RESULTS:
Greater than zero: Congratulations! You likely qualify for refugee status.
Zero or less: Sorry, you’re what we call a “security risk.”