One hat, two independent claims, three bases, two outs, and zero energy from you, the third-base coach wearing a hat that alleges, WOMEN WANT ME, FISH FEAR ME.

I have no standing to doubt that women want you. I’m willing to take you at your word that there are women out there who want a lethargic man who just stands there as a runner that he should’ve told to slide is casually tagged out at third. My issue is with your hat’s second claim.

I do not believe fish fear you.

I believe fish are unaware of your existence. And I think it would be impossible for any animal, land- or sea-faring, to fear an entity it has never known. For instance, you or I could reasonably fear aliens as a concept, but we do not fear one specific alien we’ve never met, like Zorpthop the Destroyer (though we should).

I also believe fish would never fear a man with the cowardice to stop a runner when he had a clear path to home. No creature would watch the outfielder bobble the ball like that, see you fail to send the runner home, and quiver at your existence.

Am I to assume your hat means you’re a skilled fisherman, and fish fear you because your fishing prowess means you represent certain death for the fish? If that is what the hat is getting at, you should know that is impossible. In order for you to be seen as an aquatic angel of death, you must kill all the fish you catch. And if you kill all the fish you catch, then word of you would never spread throughout the fish community. Your legend would never grow underwater.

You can take the hat off, but it’s been three innings. I already saw the hat, and I’m not going to let it go.

The only way for you to develop a reputation underwater as the fish-slaughtering third-base coach would be if you threw the fish back after catching them. However, if you throw the fish back, the fish would not fear you. They would be annoyed by you (as I am). They would see you as some sort of mysterious deity that inconveniences them and potentially causes them to be late to their fish child’s baseball game. But they would not fear you.

Maybe you catch five fish, kill the first four, then show the fifth one all of its dead compatriots before returning it to the water so that it can spread word of the horrors it saw at your hand. But in that scenario, I still don’t think the fish would fear you. The fish would recognize that they have, in their midst, a fish who was spared by you. A fish that somehow defeated the mystifying harbinger of evil on the fishing boat. Whatever fear the fish may have for you would be outweighed by the respect they have for their maritime messiah.

No, I won’t shut up and let you focus on coaching.

If you knew anything about baseball, you would signal a bunt right now, you coward. The five-year-old T-ballers on the other team don’t even fear you.

There is only one plausible scenario I can dream up in which both women want you and fish fear you. Perhaps you work at a pet shop or a dentist’s office, some place with a fish tank. And maybe you also enjoy attending either horror conventions or Slipknot concerts. Occasionally, you have to get changed into your Slipknot / horror costume at work so you can drive straight to the event after work. There are women at these concerts / conventions who love the lengths you go to to dress up, and thus, they want you. And there are fish in the office fish tanks you pass by on your way out who look out and are frightened at the sight of your Slipknot / Freddy Krueger mask, as they are unfamiliar with the discography of Slipknot or the Freddy Krueger franchise.

Oh, okay, Ump, his absurd hat is fine, but you’re going to kick me and my kid out because of my yelling and my hat that says I CAN’T GO INTO DETAILS BUT I INSPIRED AN EPISODE OF LAW AND ORDER SVU. That’s fine, Bozo. My kid’s game doesn’t even start for another forty-five minutes.