“Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on Wednesday sidestepped a question about vaccines and whether he would choose to vaccinate his children today against a number of diseases, saying, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’” — NBC News
We’ve heard many complaints about our handling of the largest measles outbreak in the United States since the disease was eradicated. Let us make this perfectly clear: Our official policy on measles is that it can’t hurt us if we’re all already dead.
In support of this policy, we are pursuing every avenue available to us to encourage people to die. Not just from measles, but pretty much anything that’ll do the job. That’s why we’re cutting cancer research funding, shutting down federal advisory groups, ignoring the spread of bird flu, firing FAA workers, and—in an underreported move—leaving banana peels on sidewalks across the country. We want to make life easier on all of us. Once we’re dead, nothing else bad can happen. That’s science, folks.
Many of you have follow-up questions. Questions like “Did you consider trying to prevent preventable illnesses?” and “Did you think about expanding programs that keep us safe?” and “Did you ask even one doctor about any of this?” The answer to all of those questions is: Of course not. We’d be wasting our time. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: Everyone eventually dies. Our official policy is to get that over with, sooner rather than later.
This line of thinking is related to our decision to cut funding for aid around the world. Does our aid make people live forever? No? Everyone’s still bound to their mortal coil? Then what, exactly, are we spending our money on?
Now, let’s get one thing straight. When we say, “Nothing can hurt us if we’re already dead,” the “us” in that statement is not literally inclusive of us. It’s more of a you thing. Does that make sense? Doesn’t matter. Just know what we really mean is “Nothing can hurt you if you’ve already slipped on a randomly placed banana peel and fallen into an open manhole.”
Listen, we made a promise. We’re committed to making America healthy again, and the way we’re going to do that is by removing the one major variable when it comes to health: people. We’re working quickly on larger-scale solutions. For instance, global nuclear war could solve measles in an instant. Nobody has to get vaccinated if nobody’s around to get vaccinated, right?
But we’re also developing less drastic remedies. For instance, we’re encouraging all our top researchers and scientists to leave the country. We’re rolling back every safety regulation we can find. We’re also, as of this writing, doubling our efforts to cover the country’s footpaths in banana peels. That should speed things along.
In the meantime, if you’re looking for medical advice, look elsewhere. We might be in charge of public health funding, programming, and everything in between, but that doesn’t mean we’re qualified to actually do any of that. If you need medical advice, go buy a plane ticket to whichever country your doctor just decided to move to. And if you need a pre-peeled banana, please let us know. We have too many to count.