My God, can you believe Donald Trump did that thing?! It was despicable! It was offensive! I am furious! I am saddened! I could barely stand to watch the video. But I did watch it… about 400 times (So many pre-roll ads for antacid!) getting more and more outraged with each successive viewing.

Seriously, how horrible was that thing Donald Trump did? Normal people do not act like this! It’s not cute or funny anymore! He is lowering the bar! He is coarsening the discourse! He’s a fraud! He’s a bigot! He’s a misogynist! Is this the thing he does that finally turns his own party against him? It HAS to be, right? I bet it is! I’m going to engage with a social media platform that mines my personal data (So many banner ads for antidepressants!) to say just that. And… done! Now my friends know EXACTLY what I think (Even though none of them are planning to vote for Donald Trump, nor have they ever met or seen anyone who is planning to vote for Donald Trump.)

Look, say what you will about Mitt Romney, he would not have done that thing that Donald Trump did. Sure, he might have done other, more boring things, but not that thing. No sir. That thing was simply the worst. Simply. The. Worst. Period!


… Sorry, I’m getting so worked up just thinking about it. I need to see how everyone else is reacting to that thing Donald Trump did, so I’m refreshing a popular news site over and over again (So many pop-up ads for Canadian immigration attorneys!)

Ah, good! The people I like are shocked and appalled by that thing Donald Trump did. Whew! That’s a relief. At least there is still some shred of sanity and decency in the — wait, the people I don’t like are saying that thing Donald Trump did was… good?!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! It wasn’t good! It was heartless and retrograde and grammatically incorrect on countless levels! How can you be so blind? Our republic is fragile and that thing Donald Trump did could be the very thing that destroys it! My heart is racing! I feel sick! I need some antacid! I must immediately check the famous poll aggregator that everyone relies on to stay sane during election years…

AAAAGH! WHAT?! The polls are way, way closer than they should be! Analysts are saying the thing could actually help him with certain key demographics! Apparently, elderly voters in rural Ohio LOVE that awful thing Donald Trump did! But, why? WHY?! Maybe if I buy this guy’s book I’ll understand the concept of “margin of error”! Okay… done. Should be here in 3-4 business days.

While I wait, I have time to reflect again on that thing that Donald Trump did (I hated it.) Truly, the only good that will come from that thing (which was horrible) is that it will be great fodder for my favorite comedian who was given a TV show by a huge multinational media conglomerate hoping to make money. I can’t wait to see my favorite comedian absolutely DESTROY Donald Trump in a LEGENDARY EPIC TAKEDOWN for that crappy thing that he did! Let me just sit through one more pre-roll ad (for relaxed-fit pleated khakis) so I can watch it on the video streaming service owned by the monolithic search engine company…

Wow. My favorite comedian really cut to the very heart of that thing Donald Trump did and showed how much it truly sucked ass. That segment was cathartic and satisfying and perhaps the power of laughter can heal our—

OH MY GOD, Donald Trump did a new thing! It’s all over the news! HE DID A NEW THING! And by all accounts it is EVEN WORSE than the previous thing. EVEN WORSE THAN THE PREVIOUS THING!!!

That’s it. I’m moving to Canada. Probably gonna buy some relaxed-fit pleated khakis first.

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Tom O’Donnell’s new illustrated
middle-grade book
Hamstersaurus Rex
is out now.