Subj: [URGENT] Subway Talking Points
Quick reminder: Under no circumstances can Mr. Trump be seen holding a Subway sandwich. As you may recall from our briefing in July, the standard size of six-inch and footlong Subway sandwiches are damning sources of scale. A photo of our candidate holding one of these sandwiches would provide concrete evidence to the claim his hands resemble those of an eleven year-old boy’s.
So far we’ve done a great job of avoiding photo ops involving Subway. We can all recall times Mr. Trump has sent us to order his beloved Italian BMT on Italian Herbs & Cheese Subway sandwich. I don’t need to remind you that photographic proof of our next president holding this sandwich would not only highlight his petite, non-presidential hands, but also his love for “ethnic” sandwiches, which wouldn’t sit well with our base.
Let’s not rest on our laurels — surely, the media will soon connect the dots. Whether they find Trump eating Subway or not, I’m sure they’ll ask for comment. In case Trump’s explicit avoidance of Subway is dredged up by the media, I’ve compiled talking points to deflect any possible questions or critiques we may encounter.
1. Subway is just as unhealthy as McDonald’s.
In preparation for Trump’s eight-year stay in the White House, he’s been following a healthy diet. One of the best diets. If needed, his doctor will provide a note proving this. This is the reason you won’t find Trump eating Subway. It has nothing to do with the sandwich providing scale and highlighting his less-than-average hand size.
If the media suggests this is an invalid claim, as Trump has been photographed eating food even more unhealthy than Subway, refer to Talking Point 2.
2. Subway’s bread contains Azodicarbonamide, the same chemical used to make yoga mats.
Donald Trump will not eat anything that is also used to make yoga mats. Trump has never practiced yoga, an Indian ritual, ever in his life. If they want to see a politician get into a pretzel-shape, ask Hillary Clinton about her email! Absolutely no reason that Trump would be scared to hold a Subway sandwich because his hands would look diminutive in comparison.
If the media points out Subway’s bread no longer contains Azodicarbonamide, refer to Talking Point 3.
3. Mr. Trump prefers to support local businesses.
A salt-of-the-Earth man like Trump does not eat at huge corporations like Subway. He eats at the same places Joe Everyman eats. Use this opportunity to plug a local business, claim that Donald loves to eat there. (Note: Cheryl, PLEASE check that the restaurant you plug is not a chain. How have you not heard of Bertucci’s?) This is a more than sufficient reason to avoid Subway — it has nothing to do with Trump’s hands looking small while holding a Subway sandwich, and claiming otherwise is simply absurd.
If the media identify photos of Donald consuming large corporate fast-food products such as McDonald’s and KFC, refer to Talking Point 4.
4. Mr. Trump will not associate with losers like Jared Fogle.
Our next president will not be associated with convicted sex offender and former Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle, in any way. Donald Trump is our only presidential candidate of character, and values — values that do not align with Jared Fogle. (Do not mention the fact Jared Fogle has endorsed Trump, as this is not a sought-after endorsement.) Trump will not compromise his character for a sandwich — a sandwich that may very well be delicious — we have no idea. Trump would gladly hold a Subway sandwich in his hands, if he had a good reason to. But he doesn’t. So he won’t. End of story.
If the media points out this defense is invalid, and frankly unfair, since Jared Fogle is in no way associated with Subway anymore, refer to Talking Point 5.
5. Subway is losing money.
By this time, I hope this point is self-explanatory. Follow the game plan. Get on the offensive: Subway has been making very bad deals. Claim you’ve seen their numbers, and they are very bad. Not losing-916-million-dollars-in-one-year bad (by the by, NEVER use the number 916 million — no matter what the context) but bad all the same. Do not explain which numbers, or why they’re bad. But confirm, they’re the worst numbers you’ve ever seen. It’s very sad, actually. You think a winner, co-author of The Art of the Deal, would actually eat at Subway? This has nothing to do with hand size. It never did. Trump’s hands are completely normal-sized, and we’ll bring anyone to court who says otherwise.
If you’ve exhausted all of these points to no avail, make a remark about Trump’s daughter. Make it unclear if she is an object of Trump’s fatherly affection or something else. While the press look at each other quizzically, tersely conclude the meeting and exit the room. It’s much better to end on these puzzling terms than to expose the truth.
Make America Great Again,