“Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) argued in a testy exchange on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press’ that he believes ‘both Russia and Ukraine meddled in the 2016 election,’ claiming without evidence that former Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko ‘actively worked’ for Hillary Clinton.” — Axios, 12/1/19

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Hello again, viewers. I’m the host of a very prestigious news program that airs at a widely accessible time slot and has a broad platform to shed light on many of the most critical issues facing our nation today. In fact, I’m sure many of you assume it is my job, nay, my obligation, to highlight the many untruths and injustices frequently propagated by those occupying the highest halls of power in our government and culture today. At a time when the role journalism plays in a free society is under attack, and the very definition of “real news” is under perpetual scrutiny by bad-faith actors, you might even think it’s my responsibility to push back on the nefarious forces that chip away at our ability to accurately define and understand our day-to-day reality. Alas, viewer, you’d be wrong.

The only obligation I have is to empower every transparently spineless clown, moron, and con-man out there to come on my show and rattle off as much crazy bullshit as their little heart desires.

You see, “truth” is indeed a crucial concept — in fact, it’s why I became interested in journalism to begin with, and I’m even willing to bet we can all agree on what that word means. But what’s far more interesting to me is debating widely acknowledged and obvious facts with fascist bridge trolls that come to my show solely to perform on national television for the broken-brained carnival barker they are beholden to for reelection. There’s no doubt that our political dialogue would be better if I instead used this time to carefully break down the important issues of the week, with an emphasis on factual developments of which there can be no debate. But where’s the fun in that, when I can spend a half-hour staring slack-jawed at a smug white mannequin that is screaming completely debunked nonsense at my viewers without a hint of resistance?

It comes back to the idea that my show should be for viewers of all political dispositions, but especially those that will immediately tweet that I was “COMPLETELY OWNED” by my craven, potentially criminal guest mere minutes after our charming conversation airs. I do not think people are better served by me challenging the lies and misrepresentations these guileless grifters are making in real-time, as that would create the illusion that the truth on a crucial matter to our national stability is worth fighting for. I would rather passively deflect and move on, hopeful that the millions of viewers who now apparently believe that the president was chosen by God to rule over us under divine right will definitely possess the necessary facts and inquisitive natures to do the independent research needed to discern fact from fiction.

Ultimately, I believe that time is on our side, and the less I do to clarify simple, affirmative realities about our current moment, the more likely things will just fix themselves, and the congenial, unrepentant hucksters that are accelerating the deconstruction of our government will kindly excuse themselves from the national spotlight. Please trust me: I’m a concerned citizen just like you, albeit slightly more concerned with the revenue generated by controversy.

So keep your chin up, America, and remember my trademark phrase: “If it’s Sunday, it’s bullshit.”