A spot once known as an occasional hangout for some of the city’s saddest, poorest, residents — my vagina — has finally closed for business. In its place? The artisanal deli of your dreams! Although some are mourning the loss of this quaint haunt, new ownership maintains that the space had become a mere stop n’ go for idlers, lowlifes, and a handful of medium-attractive men named Cameron.

For those in the community that didn’t have the chance to become regulars, it was often viewed by the public as a poorly maintained space that served little to no purpose. One local who visited this cavernous hollow (on only one occasion, he emphasized) described it as “better looking on the outside, surprisingly.”

Although new ownership promises that the deli and sandwicherie (yes, that’s a word now) will rejuvenate the entire neighborhood, some of my vagina’s patrons remain skeptical.

Skyler, a semi-retired DJ, describes the former space as “consistently there.” Samuel, an acoustic guitar player/environmentalist, says it became a frequent stop for him during a difficult period in his life following the 2008 recession when he became “too bummed about capitalism” to pay rent. Samuel, Skyler, and a handful of other nerds like them are growing concerned that the gentrification of the area will drive out certain members of a very niche (let’s call it niche, OK?) community.

Whatever you might think about the wealthy elite’s slow creep into some of the city’s most sacred spaces, there is no denying that my vagina has never looked so good. After years of under-appreciation, its walls are now beautifully lined with a delectable array of home-made chorizos, imported cheeses, and locally sourced Manuka honey. Did you know that 14 different varieties of half-sour dill pickles could even exist?? Well they do! And they’re here, in my vagina. It’s absolute heaven!

“When a vagina as large as this isn’t being frequented enough to really be valued, we see an opportunity there,” say business owners and brothers Mark and Brad, two 23-year-old MBA graduates who have been opening up hot spots across the city after raising a significant amount of capital at a family reunion in the Hamptons. They say that despite outrage over the deli’s exorbitant pricing, the community will appreciate the charm it brings to this long-overlooked piece of real estate. “It’s rare to find a place like this that has yet to contract HPV, so we wanted to get in as soon as we could.”

The brothers, who have been described by many as “off-brand Winklevoss twins,” are known for transforming unique spaces into multi-hyphenate businesses overflowing with hanging pothos plants and very hot, mean staff members.

“We spotted a gap in the charcuterie market, and we had to go for it” Mark explains, “And — like all of our businesses — it also has a beautiful espresso bar” (their other businesses include a Caesar salad restaurant, an underground lawn bowling facility, and a dry cleaners run by celebrity chef Jamie Oliver.) “We actually thought about bringing in a fishmonger,” Paul adds, “but thought it would be too on the nose.”

The brothers feel that the area “has a lot to offer in terms of business opportunity.” My mouth, which is colloquially known as “the place where salami goes” is one of the many locations that could use an upgrade — perhaps a clever little hat store? One of those places that just sells French macarons? A café where the baristas intermittently break into performances from Hamilton? The possibilities are endless. The hope is that new business will attract a cultured (hot) and sophisticated (rich) population to the neighbourhood.

Amidst controversy surrounding the new ownership, it’s hard to deny that this spot has everything you could ever want (unless what you want is sex). While the closing of my vagina may signal the end of an era for some, it is just the beginning for anyone interested in paying $14 for a “bespoke pizza bun.”