DR. ABRAHAM VAN HELSING
BIOL 107: HUMAN ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY
This guy should be teaching religious studies, not bio. During a lecture on hemoglobin, he got totally sidetracked on a rant about doctors being “ministers of God’s own wish” and “old knights of the cross.” WTF? Could barely understand his foreign accent. Learned a little bit about blood transfusions, but that is ALL. Dude also needs to give those eyebrows a trim. Seriously, they’re like caterpillars.
DR. HUMBERT HUMBERT
ENGL 226: ROMANTIC POETRY
Two words: TOTAL CREEP. Lectured every class period and leaned over girls’ desks so he could look down their shirts. Did not provide a study guide for exams or post notes on Blackboard. Def played favorites and gave higher grades to the suck-ups who flirted & told him he was handsome. Assigned too many papers, and I don’t think he actually read them. Also think it was totally inappropriate for him to hand out lollipops to reward “good participation.”
PROF. EMILY GRIERSON
ART 271: CHINA PAINTING
Took this class to satisfy my stupid art gen-ed requirement; otherwise it was totally useless. News flash, there’s not a lot of careers in painting flowers on teacups! Prof. Grierson (she insisted I call her “Miss Emily,” whatever lol) did not seem interested in teaching, kept talking about her father who I guess was in a war or something. Wore old-fashioned dresses and smelled really bad. Like, someone needs to look into that smell.
DR. JOHN FAUSTUS
BUSI 338: THE ART OF THE DEAL
Enthusiastic, super easy. His TA, Mephistophilis, did all the grading and gave A’s to everybody who promised to serve Lucifer or get an MBA. I learned a lot about bargaining and the “devils” that oppress corporations and the free market. Got a little lost in the “good angel” and “bad angel” metaphor – the bad angel represents government regulation? Too bad the professor was found dismembered in his office; I definitely would have taken more classes from him.
DR. ROBERT LANGDON
ARTH 376: SYMBOLOGY IN RENAISSANCE ART
Can’t say I learned a whole lot, since class was canceled half the semester when Dr. Langdon got called away for “consulting.” I guess there was some kind of museum emergency? Like, “should we clean off this dust, OMG get Langdon over here,” lol. Lectures on the golden ratio and mythology were interesting, but I don’t think his crackpot conspiracy theories about Catholic secret societies and the Freemasons should have been on the test. Cool Mickey Mouse watch.
PROF. JANE EYRE
FREN 301: ADVANCED CONVERSATION
What a man-hating BITCH. This so-called French tutor has never even been to France! I took lessons from her for a fucking YEAR, but when I did my semester abroad in Lille, nobody there could understand my accent; they said I sounded like a bumpkin from northern England. I told Prof. Eyre, and she said something like “Do not think, sir, you have the right to command me because you have seen more of the world than I.” Prof. Eyre is strange, too pale, almost unearthly, super uptight, voice is shrill. She needs to get laid.
DR. FRIEDRICH BHAER
ENGL 202: FICTION WRITING
Nice twinkling eyes but kind of condescending. He hated my feminist supernatural fantasy stories, and told me to give up writing “sensation” and just marry an experienced older man instead. Syllabus was 100% dead white men. I talked to several other women in the class, and they all said he liked to meet one-on-one in his office, rip apart their stories and then get a little handsy. Gross.
PROF. ICHABOD CRANE
ANTH 209: MAGIC AND FOLKLORE
What a weirdo. Looks like Slenderman. Needs to go to Target and buy some shirts that actually cover his freaky long arms. Dr. Crane was enthusiastic but mostly showed YouTube ghost-hunting videos while he ate lunch (huge Tupperware containers of roast chicken and pie). I never went to his office hours, but I heard he’d just ask the girls if their fathers were wealthy & ask the guys if they had pretty sisters at home. I did like that exams were multiple choice, and that he gave bonus points to anyone who brought cookies or brownies (but nothing pumpkin – some kind of weird phobia). Easy gen ed, but don’t expect to learn anything.
PROF. JAMES MORIARTY
MATH 351: COMPUTATIONAL THEORY
TBH the class was more like a bunch of speeches than a math class, but that’s okay, because Professor Moriarty was awesome. He doesn’t give us any libtard PC crap; instead he talks about how ethics interfere with decision-making, and how a man of genius can transcend bullshit like laws and woke culture. At the end of the semester, Prof. Moriarty invited me to join his “organization” – not sure what that is, but like an internship, I guess? Anyways, I’m stoked!