It’s a ritual as time-honored among teenagers as prom or ​drinking too much and​ crashing your parents’ ​Corolla into the window of a Mexican restaurant—glossy catalogs from colleges arriving by the dozen each spring. Aside from the faint odor of kiwi bubblegum vape smoke, Woodmont College’s catalog, Welcome to Woodmont College, is superficially not unlike the others. But there’s no school quite like Woodmont College (no longer “university” due to a court order). And every page of its catalog is proof of this uniqueness, whether it’s ​t​outing the college’s low rate of scorpion infestation or celebrating its faculty’s various facial tattoos. The best part? You can order your own copy of Welcome to Woodmont College and learn for yourself why U.S. News and World Report has hailed the school as “a singular educational experience for young people searching for neglect of the arts and aggression by townies.”

Comedy writers Mike Sacks and Jason Roeder are your guides to Woodmont College—its missteps, its glories, its unsupervised quicksand pits—and we’ll be sharing bonus content from this e-book all week long to help herald its publication.

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As the spring semester ends, we have so much to be proud of as we look back on this year. All seven escaped adjuncts have been retrieved and are now comfortably residing in reeducation trailers. Our women’s lacrosse team finished an entire game without formally surrendering, while our men’s football squad was hailed in the regional press as “a bit less disoriented than usual.” And, if you’ve seen those construction crews on campus, we’re excited to announce that we’re closer than ever to finding out who they are and what they’re building.

Having said that, the following is a list of diseases that all alumni who attended Woodmont between 1971 and 2021 should be tested for. Today. Now. Before you finish reading this. Hop into an Uber or Lyft and read along the way. This medical alert is being emailed, texted, and faxed as an extra precaution for all those who haven’t yet read the notices posted seven months ago on the underside of shelves in the Woodmont custodial closets in five-point font.

Mascot Ulcer: Student performers who portrayed Woodmont mascot Professor Vigorous are most susceptible to skin pustules caused by starved mites in the costume’s genuine mule hair; however, those members of the Woodmont community who attended any event in which Professor Vigorous was present are also at risk of mild lung annihilation. This is due to emanations from the harsh detergents used to remove the unknown stains that existed on the costume when we found it half-buried in the woods under a mound of wet leaves.

Various Pesticide Side Effects: The various chronic ailments commonly associated with pesticide exposure only apply to the 150 or so students who volunteered to be experimental test subjects at Woodmont’s Department of Toxin Arts, as well as to the approximately 350,000 students who have ever showered in any one of our residence halls. (Experiment volunteers who have been waiting more than twelve years for their $10 Chi-Chi’s gift card should immediately contact Woodmont if another twelve pass before they receive it.)

Mystery Ailment 23: We may be jumping the gun on this one, and it may just be related to last month’s steam room explosion at the Chabad House, but a large segment of our freshman class last year are now emanating a scent most closely related to a saucer of overheated milk. We’ve found, so far, that the only antidote is generic cough medication purchased from any dollar store. Be the first to name this mystery ailment, and a $5 tuition refund is yours for the asking!

Woodmont Syndrome: This disease is believed to have originated within the unique DNA of Woodmont founder Daniel Woodmont himself and not, contrary to legend, from slow dancing with an infected orangutan. We’re proud that our campus has such a unique affliction and want any alumni who test positive to know that they and their rapidly liquefying organs are part of a lineage that reaches all the way back to the origin of their alma mater. There’s no cure for Woodmont Syndrome—in fact, treatment seems to anger it further—but our alumni magazine, Woodmonthly, will be running the names of those slowly dying from it in an upcoming issue in fancy, cursive font. If you’d like to be included, the Office of Alumni Affairs can provide you with various pricing options.

Hepatitis (All Types): You have it. If the tests come out negative, get tested again.

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