“A SpaceX flight attendant said Elon Musk exposed himself and propositioned her for sex, documents show. The company paid $250,000 for her silence.” — Business Insider, 5/19/22

- - -

Did I expose myself to a flight attendant? I spent good money to make sure you would never find out, but unfortunately this embarrassing info is leaking to the public. Therefore, I have no choice but to declare that political attacks against me are about to escalate.

There are no humans I adore more than my devoted followers, who will swallow whole my denial that I did not pull out my knob on a SpaceX Flight. Instead, they’ll believe my totally reasonable story that an international media conspiracy, led by the Democrats, is out to get me.

Does this flight attendant even exist? Is the $250,000 I paid her to keep silent even real? What is money? Is it cryptocurrency? Did the crypto crash cost me billions of dollars in losses? We may never know. But what we do know is that my sycophants will definitely defend me no matter what I say or do, including waving my schlong willy nilly on my Gulfstream G650ER.

The attacks against me should be viewed through a political lens — this is their standard (despicable) playbook — but nothing will deter me from using the word salad that riles up the same people who got excited by Donald Trump. This is exactly why I say to you now, “Free Speech,” “Far Left Memes,” “Divisive Democrats,” “Owning the Libs,” and “George Soros.”

If you’re curious how it all went down: Last week, an editor contacted me about a forthcoming story concerning me, my bared trouser tarse, and a woman who works for me. Obviously, the only course of action was to get ahead of the story by positioning myself as someone the political left would want to take down. Does it make sense? No, but the bros who believe this are also the guys who bought Terra and Ethereum because I used #bitcoin on my Twitter profile.

To be honest, this story has definitely been a mild inconvenience, and rich guys like me experience inconvenience as victimhood. So it was a neat and easy conceptual jump to publicly claim that I am the true victim of this news cycle, as I will be the next time it’s discovered that I doffed my dong at a woman.

You know, it used to be that a billionaire could do whatever he wanted with impunity, including breaking out his pecker during a massage and propositioning an employee. We were obeyed, revered, coddled, and protected. And thankfully, that’s pretty much still the way it is. But it just doesn’t seem fair that anyone would even think we should be held accountable, and the people who think we should be held accountable tend to be progressives, which means I can dismiss them as radical anarchists. This is why I am now also renouncing people like Chuck Schumer in favor of fascism.

This whole tadger tale is just the kind of dirty trick that Democrats like to play on their opponents. And it’s all happening because I’m such a champion of free speech. In fact, I’m so committed to free speech that I pay hush money to shut women up after I flash my fupa at them. Now I will sit back and watch my loyal bro supporters spend hours and hours defending me on any thread where my name appears.

Well, I’d better tweet some more about being a victim, since that’s the love language of my flunkies. And remember, my prediction that political attacks against me will escalate has nothing to do with this sexual misconduct story. I’m proud to live in a world where a sizeable percentage of men believe that with all their hearts.