“Nine Republicans in the House of Representatives have voted against a bill that aims to facilitate the purchase of baby formula for those on low-income federal support programs.” — Newsweek, 5/19/22

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There has never been a time in American history when babies have been more helpless. This country is on a fast track to becoming a welfare state, and babies are doing nothing to stop it.

When was the last time you saw a headline about babies pulling their own weight? It’s always “Babies Need Even More Sleep Than Scientists Originally Thought,” and never “This Baby Held Its Own Damn Head Up and Got a Job in an Amazon Warehouse.”

It’s high time babies start pulling themselves up by their tiny bootstraps.

As JFK once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.” What have babies done for this country besides poop, cry, and render half the population permanently sleep-deprived? Nothing.

Millions of Americans are struggling, but instead of whining and begging to be fed, they go out and get a job. But babies? Never. They scream until the government bails them out. Listen, we’re in a tough spot right now. The economy needs help, and it’s time babies start doing their fair share.

Stop playing peek-a-boo with our freedom, babies. Pull yourselves up by your OshKosh B’gosh bootstraps and pay the rent!

Our country wouldn’t be in this precarious position if babies were doing their jobs. What was the point of spending millions of dollars on the Boss Baby franchise? It seems babies have learned nothing and are still expecting Alec Baldwin to do all the work for them. Well, guess what? Alec Baldwin can’t come to the phone right now, so you’re on your own in this world. If you want to be treated like bosses, babies, it’s time you start acting like it.

Upward mobility rates for babies are abysmal. The rates aren’t even in the toilet; they’re in diapers and show no signs of potty training anytime soon. This is the last time the federal government should have to rescue our infants.

You’re either with us or against us, babies. Pull yourselves up by your Sketcher velcro straps and do the damn dishes!

Hemingway wrote, “Baby shoes, never worn.” But what would have happened if that baby sold those shoes for a profit? Or stopped complaining, started acting grateful for their shoes, and saved up for some big girl boots?

Babies aren’t billionaires. They need to take care of themselves and stop expecting the system to get them back on their feet (provided they’re old enough to stand). The only thing babies trickle-down is spit-up applesauce.

You got us into this mess, babies, and it’s time to get us out. Pull yourselves up by your mini Converse Chuck Taylor high-top laces and solve this formula crisis.